Underwear! The evil, and the magical.

The anniversary of President Obama’s taking-out of Osama Bin Laden, as expected, brought more scary news of revenge attempts.  Specifically, we learned of more plots from Yemen’s Al Qaeda on the Arabian Peninsula to bring to our shores and our aircraft that most diabolical and terrifying form of terrorism – the underwear bomb:

The CIA… disrupted a nascent suicide plot and recovered a new [underwear] bomb, U.S. officials said.

Officials said the bomb has a more refined detonation system than the underwear bomb that failed to go off aboard a jetliner over Detroit on Christmas 2009.

FBI experts are picking apart that non-metallic device to see if it could have taken down an airplane.

And my point is this:  Over the next several months, we Americans are going to be deciding which Presidential candidate is best equipped to protect us and our children from these new savage forms of attack.  And I say, well, okay, President Obama may deserve a LITTLE grudging credit for taking out the mass murderer Osama and foiling innumerable other plots – but if we are entering an era where the most common delivery of terror is through the underpants, then who is the candidate best qualified to keep us safe from exploding chonies?

I believe the answer has been staring us in the face.  Some of us, quite literally.  Consider:

Observations of Mormon Rules Concerning Their Sacred Underwear

(1) Mormons pledge allegiance to wearing sacred underwear in their temples.

(2) Temple Mormons view their sacred underwear with spiritual significance.

(3) Mormons can only purchase their sacred underwear through the LDS church.

(4) Mormons are to view their sacred underwear as a holy covenant with their god.

(5) Mormons are to wear their sacred underwear throughout their lives.

(6) Protection from evil and blessings is conditioned on their sacred underwear.

(7) Mormons must wear their sacred underwear at all times including work and play.

(8) However, Mormons may remove their sacred underwear for swimming.

(9) Wearing sacred underwear will keep Mormons modest.

(10) Mormons are reminded of their sacred covenants via their sacred underwear.

(11) Mormons look to their underwear for protection against temptations and evil.

(12) Mormons view their sacred underwear as a commitment to their god.

While Obama does get some small credit on the security front these past four years, he’s obviously not on a level with a possible Mormon President to deal with this new undergarments threat.  One can only imagine what sort of half-Muslim, half-Jeremiah Wright calzones BHO sports anyway – probably more explosive than the Al Qaeda brand, and certainly not holy or magical.  (My colleague Greg Diamond points out that “Al Qaeda” means “foundation,” and suggests that these new airline threats hence be referred to as “foundation garments.”)

Criticism and questioning of Governor Romney related to his Mormon faith has thus far been muted, but is sure to grow.  Nearly all the “charitable giving” of this multi-millionaire corporate raider over the years has gone to this controversial church, where rather than feeding the poor or fighting disease it sends young men on missions in blazers and bowties to ride bikes around pleasant European metropolises.  Our snarky but very knowledgeable commenter who dubs himself “Anita Bonghit” went further recently:

Every Mormon male who’s been through (and “sealed” in) an LDS temple, served a two-year mission, and appointed to a high office in the church sounds exactly like Mitt Romney.  My late aunt, a Salt Lake native, called it the “Mormon bigshot” voice.  (Some call it the LDS “returned missionary” voice.)   Spend a week in Salt Lake or Provo, and you’ll get an earfull: smug, patronizing, and arrogant.   And why not?   They’ve “been through the temple,” seen the holiest of LDS holies, given the secret signs and handshakes, been awarded their temple garments, and lionized in reaching the first big step of the LDS male priesthood  (Mormons have no female priesthood).

If an LDS male so blessed also happens to be wealthy, as is Romney, he becomes even more smug, patronizing, and arrogant.   He now has power AND money, always an outward sign of grace for the Brethren.   Outside of Utah, it’s quite a different matter.  Because most non-Mormons (“gentiles”) don’t really give a shit, many finding LDS practices quite odd and even hilarious.

Elder Romney knows this, and even though he tries to tone down his Mormon bigshot voice he can’t really pull it off.   He comes across as some sort of stuttering Christian youth counselor or an assistant middle-school principal flub-a-dub, desperately attempting to hide his Temple Square persona.   Failing miserably, he sounds robotic and phony, neither fish nor fowl.   Actually, he IS robotic and phony. Half of my family’s orthodox LDS. But Elder Romney won’t get my vote.

[and then a bit later, to Anon’s wondering aloud when our supposed “liberal media” which was so obsessed with Obama’s faith would start asking “the tough questions of Romney about what parts of Mormonism he believes?”  Anita continued…]

True. And here’s the first question to be asked: Prior to 1978, did you, Mr. Romney, agree with your church’s position that African Americans were a “race” cursed with blackness because of the sin of Cain? And thus unable to hold the LDS priesthood?

Question #2: To whom do you hold a higher allegiance, a) Your god and church or b) The American people you may represent as President? (Actually, I’d ask that of any candidate. And the answer better be “b.”)

Well, *I* hope Elder Romney can see that it is time for him to take a bold and pre-emptive strike, and make his religion not a weakness but a strength.  And the recent rash (ouch) of underwear bombings gives him just his OPENING.  (ouch.)

If I were running his campaign, this is what he would do next week:  a full-court press conference dressed in nothing but his magical Mormon temple underwear.  The garment is, after all, at least as modest as George W Bush’s flight suit – heck, he should bring along feisty Ann too in her magic underwear – and then he should directly address, over the heads of the American people, our terrorist tormentors:

“Hey Al Qaeda in the Arabian Penis – I mean Peninsula!” (Here the rakish twinkle in his eye will once again humanize him.) “Yeah, I’m talking to you!  You know who I am?  I’m the next President of the United States and this is my wife.  And you know what this is that we’re wearing?  The Temple Garments of Mormonism, magic underwear that’ll send your pathetic terrorist underoos straight up where the sun don’t shine.

“You mess with America again, you show your face around here with your detonating skivvies, you know who you’re going to be messing with the power of the Angel Moroni, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young and the Twelve Lost Tribes of Israel.  So you just keep your Skidmarks of Jihad to your dirty selves if you know what’s good for you.  I’m Mitt Romney and I approved this message.”

Well.  Okay.  Maybe this is a dumb idea.  But the Republicans have to do SOMETHING to convince Americans they’re the tough Party on national defense (besides shoveling billions into useless archaic weapons systems that the military doesn’t even want…)

About Miss Info Asperger

Miss Info is just wrong, wrong, wrong. And the similarities in her style and humor to the style and humor of our editor/owner Vern Nelson are especially regrettable, regrettable, regrettable.