Mrs. Betty Bowers: ‘Are You Doing Your Part to Pretend to Care About the Constitution?’

TO: Furious Teabaggers Throughout America
FROM: Mrs. Betty Bowers, America’s Best Christian
RE: Are you doing your part to pretend to care about the US Constitution?

Why pretend to care about that Constitution all of a sudden?
Because yelling, “I’m fixing to fire off a few rounds ’cause a damned Colored is in the White House!” lacks a certain charm and seems to rile the Socialists® who care about other people’s feelings in the Lamestream™ media. HELPFUL HINT: Also sidestep expressly mentioning sedition, regicide or anything involving live ammunition, as these more candid remarks may result in your family’s Christian prayers for the violent deaths of Democrats being rudely interrupted by the busybodies at the Secret Service.
Does pretending to care about the Constitution entitle me to do more fun, Timothy-McVeigh-style antics than when I pretend to care about other stuff like, say, our troops — or reality?
I’m glad you asked! The Constitution is as close to the Bible as the secular world gets: Full of persnickety rules, but without the gusty encouragements to murder people. As such, any time you purport to protect the Constitution, even your most crass, selfish remark is miraculously cloaked in civic selflessness. As any Christian (or Muslim) fundamentalists can tell you: The higher the calling you can claim, the lower the tactics you can use! Telling people you are compelled by the Constitution (or the Fatherland or the one True Faith®), leaves you free to ignore laws that get in your way — or pesky elections that didn’t go your way! Glory!
Which parts of the Constitution should I pretend to care about most?
Frankly, the very question reeks of Intellectual Elite™ curiosity and its nefarious liberal-lovin’ cousin: facts. Let’s just say this: not the parts George W. Bush violated for 8 years (e.g., Search and Seizure, Fourth Amendment, and Habeas Corpus, Article One, Section 9) without even a decaf chamomile teabag being flung. If pressed, simply employ a time-tested GOP response to any inconvenient inquiry: Obfuscation by accusation! Try this: “You’re not familiar enough with the Constitution to IMMEDIATELY know what dang parts I’m out here screeching about instead of more candidly (and pettily) carping about losing an election? You ain’t no Real American™ — libtard!” Pepper the sky with spittle bullets if the nosy liberal dares to ask a follow-up question.
Which parts of the Constitution should I not bother pretending to care about?
Ignoring articles and amendments to the Constitution is an enormous time-saver to the teabagger on the go! Since most Americans have never read the document (and most often confuse it with the Declaration of Independence or any number of bromides slapped on bumpers or needlepointed on pillows), you will enjoy great leeway in this regard. But every Sarah-Palin-loving, catchphrase-spouting True Christian™ will want to make a point of ignoring these really inconvenient parts:
Establishment Clause of the First Amendment.This thoroughly annoying passage “technically” prohibits Congress from requiring every man, woman and child in the land to flatter Jesus, as the poor, insecure thing has quite shamelessly demanded. As a constitutional scholar at Bob Jones University told me, “Unless it’s the Second Amendment, where the Founding Fathers told us to take assault rifles to the movie theater, only an activist judge would enforce the Constitution, a pile of secular bullcrap written by a pack of Jesus-denying Theists! Betty, did you know that Thomas Jefferson called the Bible a ‘dung hill’?” Honestly, if any clause of the Constitution calls out for a loud and hearty “la la la la la la I CAN’T HEAR YOU!,” it’s this one!
The Equal Protection Clause The Fourteenth Amendment, rammed down America’s throat in fleeting post-war guilt over the alleged nuisance of having to be a slave, is now providing a toehold for pushy, rights-obsessed homosexuals to slip their expensive Italian shoes through the carefully guarded door to equal rights. Remember: When folks we don’t like want the same rights we enjoy, we call them “special rights” — because we are so darn special. Gals, save a few la-las for this Amendment!
“No religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States” Article VI, Section 3. Of course, asking “You ain’t no Muslamic are you, boy?” before administering an oath of office isn’t a test; it’s simply a pointed inquiry.
The appalling fact that Jesus isn’t mentioned in the entire Constitution — not even once! But, frankly, what do you expect from “men” who wrote books, wore wigs and enjoyed sliding on silk stockings? They can’t all be Sean Hannity!
Sixteenth AmendmentThe most anti-Tea Party garbage in the whole Constitution, this amendment allows Congress (technically, the “Representation” part in “No Taxation Without Representation!”) to levy an income tax without apportioning it among the states or basing it on Census results. This Amendment is completely inconsistent with almost every Tea Party sign and, ispo facto, void. Give thanks for the miracles that are possible when you aren’t fettered by so-called reality! Praise the Lord and pass the bullhorn!

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About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official political troubadour of Anaheim and most other OC towns. Regularly makes solo performances, sometimes with his savage-jazz band The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at, or 714-235-VERN.