jest sittin’ on my oil…


So I’m jest sittin’ here on my oil, havin’ a smoke and countin’ my money, and the phone rings, and I can see it’s the boy president, bless his heart. “Howdy, Dubya, what can I do ya for?” He laughs that little nervous giggle of his, and I try to make it easy on him: “You need another check, Junior?”

“Not this time, boss, I got some great news for you! What’re you doin’ right now?”

“Jest sittin’ on my oil, countin’ my money. What good news, Junior?”

“Well, good thing you’re sittin’ down, cuz guess what? We’re gonna open up ANWAR for drillin’, and the Continental Shelf too! Howd’ya like them apples, Boss?”

I took a drag and thought a spot; Dubya never did understand the oil business much. “That’s okay Mr. President, yew don’t hafta do that. I’m doin’ great right now jest sittin’ on the oil I got! Have yew seen gas prices lately? Thru the roof, and they ain’t stoppin’!”

“Heh-heh, so I hear, so I hear! But…” he paused, confused. “Don’tchyou want more? Don’tchyou wanna drill… OFFSHORE?”

“Welp… not really any time soon, Junior. For one, we don’t rightly have the ships for it. And we already got 80% of reserves that we’re just sittin’ on and–“

“But… but Turdblossom said–“

“Ah, Karl Rove! Then it’s a political thing.”

“Well… yup I guess you could say that! What isn’t? Us Republicans are gonna get slaughtered this fall and we need SOME kind of issue. You don’t want old John McCain to get his butt kicked do you?”

“We’ll be fine either way Junior. Fact, I just cut a check to that boy Barack–” I caught myself too late, and there was an awkward silence. “I mean…”

“You… you want the terrist appeasers to cut and run this country, boss?”

“It’s gonna be okay, Mr. President. Thanks to you! You’ve done a great job, history will judge you kindly. Now, just take it easy these next few months and don’t start any more wars, y’hear?”

I’d said the right thing, and I could sense him beaming proudly. “Yes, history WILL judge me kindly, won’t she. Hey, you didn’t let me tell you the funny thing Turdblossom told me.”

“Yes, Junior?”

“It’s about one of them Rass-mewson Polls. Appears most Americans–” here he started cackling uncontrollably and had to start over. “Appears most Americans think that if we let you-all drill offshore, their GAS PRICES’LL GO DOWN!”

And we both laughed so hard and long that I fell right off the barrel I was settin’ on and dropped my phone. When I picked it up again he was still cackling. “OK then Mr. President, you call whenever you need anything. Best to Laura and the twins. You get to bed now, you hear?”

Dumb as a rock that boy, but a true American.

About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official political troubadour of Anaheim and most other OC towns. Regularly makes solo performances, sometimes with his savage-jazz band The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at, or 714-235-VERN.