Gay Dana Tales


When I use the phrase “Gay Dana Tales” I want to be very clear that I am referring to both:

1) the “good gay,” as in, “These are tales about Dana Rohrabacher’s relations with the gay community and his record on gay rights,” AND

2) the “bad gay” or South Park gay, as in “I can’t believe Dana said that, what a gay thing to say!”

What I am definitely not doing is insinuating that the Congressman, despite his abysmal voting record on gay issues, is actually a closeted homosexual himself a la Mark Foley, Larry Craig and Ted Haggart; no, I will leave the propagation of that stubborn but unproven rumor to outlets with less journalistic integrity than the Orange Juice Blog.

So anyway, Debbie Cook and a host of Cook Warriors headed off to Long Beach last Saturday for the nation’s second largest Gay Pride Parade, which, as you may expect after last week’s splendid California Supreme Court ruling, was even more festive than usual. The fine folks there were well aware of Congressman Rohrabacher’s record of anti-gay votes and comments (most notably his notorious televised remark that “If you’re gay and you’re out camping with a bunch of boy scouts, of course you’re going to want to have sex with them.”) So they were ecstatic to hear that he finally had a credible challenger, and thanked us profusely. And they told us Dana stories, for, as I’ve said before, everybody in this district has a crazy Dana story to share, all they need is a sympathetic listener. Here are a couple of them:

In a meeting with representatives from the Human Rights Campaign, Congressman Rohrabacher insisted “There are no gays in my district,” so there was no reason for him to discuss the issues of “those people”. Quick, what celebrated world leader recently said the same thing about his own country, that “There are no homosexuals” there?

You got it! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in a now-legendary speaking engagement at Columbia University last September:

In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country,” he said, to laughter and boos from the audience. “In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don’t know who’s told you that we have this.”

Good company huh. Ahmadinejad and Rohrabacher want you to know that there are NO homosexuals in either Iran OR California’s 46th Congressional District, which stretches along the coast from Costa Mesa to Rancho Palos Verdes. Right.

We also heard about the high-powered corporate CEO (who happened to be a lesbian) that met with Dana to lobby him on behalf of a national gay rights organization. Dana’s response after her heartfelt pitch for equal rights? “Funny, you don’t LOOK like a lesbian!”

Well, we heard other Gay Dana Tales, but I think I’ll save some for the future, let them out a few at a time, regularly and strategically like Obama superdelegates. Till then, just remember to vote for Debbie Cook! (Or St. John in the primary if you’re a Republican.) Peace out. Vern.

About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official troubador of both Anaheim and Huntington Beach (the two ends of the Santa Ana Aquifer.) Performs regularly both solo, and with his savage-jazz quintet The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at, or 714-235-VERN.