Jordan Freaking Brandman

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I wrote this post three years ago, about a year after Anaheim voted to transition to District Elections.  I didn’t publish it because, well, not everything that gets written should see the light of day.  But, here we are several years later and Jordan Brandman is still very much in love with Jordan Brandman and deserves not just your vote– but your love and devotion, too.  I thought maybe a few of you would like a few reminders of what makes him so fantastic.

Before our jaunt down memory lane, here’s a little fact for all you good Democrats out there: No elected Democrat in Anaheim’s history has given more campaign cash— cash raised by Democrats to be spent on Democrats– to Republicans seeking office in Anaheim than Jordan Freaking Brandman.  Keep that in mind when you all vote to endorse him this fall.

With that, please enjoy!

December 2015.  It has literally taken Anaheim residents y-e-a-r-s to change their electoral process.  It’s consumed thousands upon thousands of hours and millions upon millions of dollars.

So, why the monumental undertaking?  It’s not because of some great leftist conspiracy and it’s not because of racism.  No one was duped.  Anaheim held an election, its people made a decision, and districts won.

That’s it.  End of story.  Argument over.

Unless you’re a sore loser.  Sometimes people have a hard time accepting defeat.  If you’re one of those people, perhaps you think you just know better.

Or maybe if you believe you just ARE better.

Then, and only then, the “why” Anaheim is moving to districts matters.  If you believe you’re better than the people you serve, it’s perfectly acceptable to soil the thousands of hours your constituents spend trying to affect change.  It’s acceptable because you’re right, and you DESERVE to make decisions.  You DESERVE to make policy, and you DESERVE to be not only respected– but LOVED– because of just how right and magnificent you really are.

It’s been over a year since Anaheim voters overwhelmingly rejected their status quo.  Before the vote, there were the years of petitions, rallies, and lawsuits.  The City Council, in their undying wisdom, rejected pleas to put the issue to the voters not once, not twice, but three times.  After settling a lawsuit costing Anaheim taxpayers over $2,000,000, the Council reluctantly conceded a public vote and the ruling majority lost.

And they lost badly.  Millions of dollars down the drain to prevent not only the inevitable, but the obvious.  Anaheim voted to elect future councils by district.  The vote doesn’t require a just motive to be valid.  It’s the law of the land and as such, it should be put into effect deliberately and without delay.

Yet, over 365 days later, there are still no districts in Anaheim.


Jordan Brandman.

Jordan Freaking Brandman, King of the $158,000,000 GardenWalk Giveaway, the Great Used Car Tax Subsidy, the $300,000,000 I-Don’t-Need-Voter-Approval-For-Bonds-Because-I-Said-So Convention Center Expansion, and more recently Creator of the Lifetime Get-Out-of-Tax-Free Card for Disney.

Jordan Freaking Brandman, Prince of the 8:00AM Special Meeting to remove the directly elected Mayor’s authority to force open and public discussions during public meetings.

Jordan Freaking Brandman, Lord of Robert’s Rules of Order, Master of reminding all who stand before him that HE HAS THE FLOOR, even if no one else is talking.

Jordan Freaking Brandman, Emperor of Wikipedia, Ruler of all things plagiarized and turned in late for a $25,000 paycheck.

Jordan Freaking Brandman, Undisputed Heavy Weight Champion of Endorsing Republicans While Claiming to be a Democrat.

Jordan Freaking Brandman.  Who’s running for United States Congress as a first term Councilman, who’s never (as far as I can tell) had a real job in the real world to feed and clothe people who depend on him, who thinks it’s OK to piss on the ashes of the hundreds of missed family meals from volunteers who actually worked to win an election.

Jordan.  Freaking.  Brandman.

Behold, Jordan Brandman and his raw and magnificent brilliance:

. . . it has become clear to me that it is not the sequencing of the districts but the map itself at issue. While everyone has worked in good faith to see a map approved that guarantees representational equity, the proposed map is the epitome of the perfect being the enemy of the good. It forces this council to choose between ensuring that historically underrepresented communities have the opportunity to vote for their candidate of choice in 2016 and geographic equity.

In a bewildering display of selfishness and vanity, Jordan Brandman has used his Bachelor’s of Arts Degree and keen mind to override the collective consensus of not one, not two, but three retired judges specifically impaneled to resolve the fairness of balancing underrepresented communities and geographic equity.  A collective 100 years of mastery of jurisprudence dismissed on a whim because Jordan Brandman is just now realizing this shit is kind of complicated.

Whoa whoa whoa, this is kinda hard?  Better start over because Jordan Freaking Brandman hasn’t had a chance to weigh in and make change yet.

But why does Councilman Brandman really want to weigh in?

Because this whole thing isn’t really about districts or the people who voted for them.  It’s about his long-standing personal dispute with one of them.

And like that, Narcissus fell into the pool and drowned.

As of Monday, December 14, 2015, Anaheim doesn’t have districts because Jordan Brandman knows better than Anaheim Voters.  He knows it was never about . . . whatever it was about.  It was always about one of his political enemies.  And because he’s right, he can do whatever he wants.

That’s why he can give away your tax dollars and spend your money.

It’s why he can break the rules.  It’s why he can change them.

It’s why he deserves to be a Congressman.

It’s why he deserves your endorsement.

It’s why he deserves your love.

Show up tomorrow (**OK, don’t show up tomorrow, it was three years ago**) and let him know just how much of your love he really deserves.

About Ryan Cantor

Our conservative columnist, raised in North Orange County, works as an Analyst and Strategic Planner.