Spitzer’s Piss-Gate, or T-Rack’s October Surprise? Fingal muses in sorrow and regret…


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Okay, long story short.   It turns out that a year ago, longtime Todd Spitzer communications director (and former DUI convict) Matt Morrison was driving around Santa Ana extremely drunk at 3:30 in the afternoon, and stopped to pee at a Rite-Aid.  Then, whether in drunken confusion or impatience over the head not being free, he pissed all over some boxes in a back storeroom instead.  And then, interrupted by a store manager, he rushed out leaving behind his county ID, and presumably drunk-drove away without it. 

Ten months later – that’s two months ago – the SAPD and (Spitzer rival) DA Tony Rackauckas FINALLY filed charges on this incident that Matt claims to not remember, and never told Todd about.  The PUBLIC found out last week – just as votes in the DA race between Todd and Tony are being cast. Spitzer has of course let Matt go, but Tony due to obvious conflict passed the case onto the AG, who in turn declined to press charges on a year-old box-pissing charge. 

Oh, you think I’m making it up, do you?

Former Top Aide To OC Supervisor Accused Of Urinating Inside Rite Aid

Why do the Orange Juice editors always assign these type of stories to me, Fingal O’Flahertie? Does something about me scream out “Will Editorialize On Drunken Political Public Urination Scandals?”

Well fine, I have three main thoughts. First, it’s pretty fishy that Spitzer’s rival the incumbent DA held off on this case, indeed kept it secret, until just before voters are due to cast their ballots in the DA race, an “October Surprise” in early May so that the pee scent would be fresh in voters’ minds through the June 5 election.

Yeah, the SAPD spokesman (that is, the spokesman for the totally-in-the-bag-for-T-Rack SAPD) tells us that this was a “low-priority case,” but I guarantee you that if this happened last week, or this afternoon, we’d be hearing about it NOW.  In short, knowing Tony’s record and style, I don’t put ANY sort of political dirty tricks past the Nixon-resembling “law-and-order” politician smirking to the right.

How much of a risk was it to the public, for Tony to let this repeat drunk driver go on his merry way, then and now?  If, as Mr. Morrison claims, he really doesn’t remember the incident (and he didn’t just make a deal to “not tell Todd and stay free”), then he was at a blackout blood alcohol level of .20 or higher that afternoon, and we can only pray that it was a very rare day for Matt.  Either that or getting caught peeing on boxes and losing your ID was such a common everyday occurrence that it just didn’t stand out in his memory.

Second – how about this as an instance of white privilege, particularly upper-class white privilege that is.  I must warn you, the O’Flahertie clan is a long lineage of Irish poets, and when I think of the existence of a special class of people that can piss on anything without consequence, and the poor unfortunate soul who has to clean it up be damned, I find it hard not to break out into verse … but I shall restrain myself till the end of this screed.

What if it were some borracho Mexican who stumbled into the store, whipped out his chorizo, and sprayed half the store’s stock of Tylenol?  What if it was some homeless lady who crouched down to relieve herself, ironically if you like, onto a huge box of adult diapers?  What if it was some black guy visiting from Lakewood who hauled out his member and drenched a crate of breakfast cereal?  Would THEY be running around free an hour later, and to this very day?  I suggest not.

Seriously, here are the penalties if you or I (assuming YOU are not of the privileged class) pulled what Matt did that day.  Leave aside a (second) DUI that you or I would have been nailed with.  If we were caught urinating in public, prosecutors including Rackauckas could and often would charge us with the crime of indecent exposure or public lewdness.  Then if we had the bad luck to be convicted, we would face the onerous and humiliating duty of registering as sex offenders, a sentence that would follow us for the rest of our lives. [SEX OFFENDERS, TODD!]

But Mr. Morrison had “personal demons,” we are told – by Todd, by County Counsel Leon Page, by the newscaster.  Of course.  Personal demons.  That phenomenon possessed solely by white rock stars, artists, and privileged folks of the ruling class.  But when some brown or black or poor youth gets caught on drugs, thrown in jail, beat up or killed by the police, I don’t remember anyone ever saying that the guy had personal demons.  With personal demons, you get all KINDS of second chances!

Between you and me, I heard SPITZER was PISSED!

Finally, Todd Spitzer.  I have to say that, as far as this “happened” to Spitzer at all, it couldn’t-a happened to a more deserving Supervisor-slash-DA candidate.

After all his demonizing of our homeless population as dangerous off-the-radar “sex offenders,” it’s only by sheer luck that one of his longtime top aides has escaped that humiliating category.

Cherishing a reputation of zero-tolerance to drunk driving, he obviously knew of his communications director’s previous DUI, and HAD to have turned a blind eye to signs of his recidivism.

How many public comments, at how many Supervisor meetings, did Todd sit through rolling his eyes and consulting his devices, as advocates for the homeless complained of their having nowhere to relieve themselves?  Perhaps the lesser should learn from the greater, and take to micturating in storerooms, on boxes?  Of course not.  That isn’t fair to the Rite-Aids of the world and the folks who have to work there.  What we need instead is for the speaker’s podium at the next supervisor’s meeting to be used the way the brave patriot at the right did.

I – I – I can’t hold it in any more!  No, not the pee.  The song, and the dance, my lads!

Ode to My Willy

Forsooth, a dull bathroom I need it no more
For I can go tinkle all over the store
While customers walk, and the manager gawks,
I can whip out my willy and pee on this box!

In this day and age modern bathrooms abound
But I am a white man and thus I have found
The world is my toilet when I’m full of booze.
With friends in high places right HERE’s where I choose!

A clerk just passed by and she’s lucky I missed her.
Stand back from the spray cuz I work for Todd Spitzer!

 


About Fingal O'Flahertie

Fingal is an Orange County resident/entrepreneur, sometimes world traveler and man about the house.