Calvert in extremis: The King of Pork goes a-Teabagging!


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“Whut?? I was ALWAYS one of yew!”

Now, THERE is some cognitive dissonance, I innocently thought. How would an incumbent like Ken Calvert be received by a group ostensibly built on opposition to government waste and corruption, unresponsiveness and privilege?  An incumbent known primarily (leaving aside that unfortunate incident in the car) for his legendary, insatiable hunger for earmarks and pork for personal profits?  Would the tea partiers [SJC, July 3] boo Ken off the stage, or have they finally evolved into loyal Republicans who will get behind whatever the GOP has to offer?

More the latter it turns out, as you may have predicted from the first half of this series (Vern’s Report From the Tea Party.)  As Ken Calvert droned in his somnolent way through his prepared text, having arrived late and prepared to leave immediately after, several things really just stood out to even the casual observer:

  • No hoots of derisive sardonic laughter from the crowd when he complained about government waste under the new administration;
  • Nobody accidentally spitting out their soda in sheer incredulity when he boasted of just recently signing some anti-earmark pledge;
  • Not even a single person rolling on the grass helpless with hilarity and banging their fists on the ground, when he uttered THIS howler:

My father used to say to me, “You can’t spend yourself rich, son.”

No?  Nothing?  That HAD to be a secret joke from whoever writes his speeches.  Because “Spending himself rich” with YOUR tax money is exactly what Ken has been doing for eighteen years – twenty if we don’t defeat him this November.

Don’t these folks even watch FOX News? Here, south-county Republicans, tea-partiers, and any undecided voters, sit down and take a few minutes out of your busy day with your friend Vern and watch this – we’ve got it on YouTube now, but it’s directly from America’s Most Trusted News Source®:

Back at the Tea Party, Feast of Whoppers delivered, Ken began to totter back to his limo, apparently not eager to spend more time than he had to with the lower classes.  But one grizzled Tea Partier managed to catch up with him before he could disappear:  “Mr. Calvert!  Mr. Calvert, why won’t you pass our unemployment benefit extensions?”

And Ken turned around slowly… and blamed it on the Democrats. Then hoisted his bulk into the limo and burned rubber out of there.

South-Countiers, Riversiders, if there was ever a time for you to vote for a Democrat, it is this year:


About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official troubador of both Anaheim and Huntington Beach (the two ends of the Santa Ana Aquifer.) Performs regularly both solo, and with his savage-jazz quintet The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at vernpnelson@gmail.com, or 714-235-VERN.