The following story was written by me in 1990 as a gift to my family. I wasn’t writing to be published. My grandfather in San Bernardino sent it to his Congressman some time later, who reportedly read it into the Congressional Record. Today, you will find this variation and others attributed to Anonymous, and even copyrighted by someone in 1992. I don’t care. In fact, this may not be exactly what I wrote, word for word, in 1990 as I didn’t keep a copy. But it’s very very close. I only discovered it a few years ago, looking for other politically correct Christmas stories.
Enjoy!
A Politically Correct Christmas Story
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”.
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth…
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
It’s always been obvious that you’re all about love, Crowley. What a great message!
LOL! Nice one Crowley!
You are a wonderful writer Terry, if i had your gift, i could rule the world 🙂
God bless you. We at least will have an unpolitically correct christmas:P
Michelle,
Many of our writers are smarter and better at writing than I am. Terry and Vern, in particular, are very bright. I am glad they both write for me.
Now keeping my team from killing each other is another enterprise entirely. Herding cats I tell you!
…or killing you!
Quinn, you go ahead and have your unpolitically correct Xmas, I’m sticking with my political incorrect one!
Vern,
LOL! Lucky for us both that I have such thick skin…
Just read Terry’s thing (or skimmed it)
Relieved that you wrote that in 1990, it sort of fits there, when linguistic hyper-sensitivity had sort of become the definition of “PC”
I first heard the phrase among leftwing types a few years earlier (1990’s is when rightwingers discovered it and had a field day.) And I guess it goes way back to the 70s actually. But it was always used kind of tongue-in-cheek, semi-ironically, like “oh, isn’t HE politically correct, with his tofu imported from the Hmong rebels” or whatever…
Rightwingers generally don’t get tongue-in-cheek-ness.
And this was still 12 years before the bizarre scenario of Bill Maher getting thrown off his own show entitled “Politically Incorrect” just for pointing out that as evil as the 9-11 attackers may have been, they were “not cowards.” THAT was too politically incorrect for “Politically Incorrect!”
PC was a derogatory term among the anti-structuralist and anti Marxist left of the 70’s. COINTELPRO had resulted in extreme paranoia. I am so honored to be addressing such an intellectual bunch, esp. in OK er OC.
Thank you OCYahoo.
And this was still 12 years before the bizarre scenario of Bill Maher getting thrown off his own show entitled “Politically Incorrect” just for pointing out that as evil as the 9-11 attackers may have been, they were “not cowards.” THAT was too politically incorrect for “Politically Incorrect!”
Yeah really, they walked on to a plane as trained killers, pretended to be just lads on a trip, gained the trust of the people around them, then as a gang they took out box cutters and mutilated innocent people. Then they flew the planes into a building killing men, women and children. They did not have the guts to take on the American military, but instead they murdered easy targets.
Its easier to kill your prey from behind instead of in front. If the prey see’s you coming then they have a chance to fight back!
Just because the idiots killed themselves in the process, does not make them brave!
Mr. Maher, is just a brown noser, who works in an industry of very sheltered people!
Quinn, you go ahead and have your unpolitically correct Xmas, I’m sticking with my political incorrect one!
Well first you need to learn the term used by the politically correct-by no means are you allowed to use christmas, Xmas, Christ birth. You must use: Vacation, holiday, turkey day with presents; add presents so you dont confuse your people. AAAAAAAAND don’t you dare play holiday songs that might mention the fact that the holiday is about the birth of the kid that grewup to change the world. Snow songs are exceptable!
Man being poltically correct sounds like are real pain in the arsh:)
And of course Quinn can’t even read or understand the simple little sentence of mine that she copied and pasted. I said “incorrect.”
Sorry Vern,
Since your post are all about political correctness, i got lazy.
I promise i will read all of your posts, no matter the usual liberal spin:)
Some how i can’t see you playing, “silent night”.
Dear, here’s a wee bit of wisdom for you:
NOBODY wants to be “politically correct!”
(At least nobody you or I would want to hang out with.)
Oh PS, Some how i can’t see you playing, “silent night”.
Shows how much YOU know, I just got through playing “Silent Night.” And I bet you don’t know all three verses by memory like I do.
NOBODY wants to be “politically correct!”
(At least nobody you or I would want to hang out with.)
Are you kidding me!
Poltical correctness is every where you look. America is catching up to Europe. Did you know that you can not fly a British flag in some parts of london?
I read the article regarding some poor old man wanted to fly the flag outside his house and he was stop by his HOA. Do you think, just as it is in England, the HOA did not want to offend their foregin residents?
I have learned from living here that most of the academics are the worst offenders of poltical correctness. Academics as well as the hollywood crowd, sheltered and pamperd most if not all their bratty lives and have no idea what it is like to work and struggle. They look down their noses at adverage Americans because they are the norm and the political correct hate the norm!
Shows how much YOU know, I just got through playing “Silent Night.” And I bet you don’t know all three verses by memory like I do.
What are you 4yrs old?
Your right BIG EARS; i don’t know all of the verses of silent night. But i bet i can sing it better than you!
Night lads and ladies 🙂
May be is the poem rimed better it would make sense.
Billy