Kristi “Dead Puppy Lips” Noem to headline CA Republican Convention!

In its inexorable march “from glory to glory,” the California Republican Party has tapped, as the keynote speaker for its mid-May convention in Burlingame, none other than South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, famed now – as EVERYBODY knows – for needlessly shooting her rambunctious puppy and then bragging about it in her new memoir to show what a tough cookie she is.

Of course everybody knows that, even Chmielewski. But what if they knew the real reason Noem slaughtered Cricket? What if they realized that the heartless Governess later injected the innocent puppy’s fat into her own lips, in her recent mad quest to better pass as a MAGA Skank, for political reasons?

This is not something we can prove, that Governor Noem’s new plump lips are bulging with the tallow of her wirehaired pointer. In fact, I may be the first to suggest the possibility. But the circumstantial evidence is pretty damn compelling:

2021, before killing Cricket

2024, AFTER killing Cricket.

One thing’s clear: Governor Noem, in a probably-forlorn bid to get picked as the Rotting Yam’s vice president, has been striving to remake her grim visage in the MAGA-skank style of Trump’s daughters-in-law and other hyper-labial Nazi ratchets:

Lara Trump, currently Trumpifying the GOP

Kimberly Guilfoyle, Don Jr.’s harsh wife

FOX’s Bartiromo, perpetually befuddled Trump fluffer

Local MAGA influencer Anna “Smart Conservative” Elizabeth
(see “Insane Coup Posse“)

Is it possible that ALL of this excess collagen is actually dead, sacrificed puppy fat? I only ask because:

  1. These people believe that we Democrats inject the “adrenochrome” of children (it’s a key tenet of the Q-Anon creed, code-named #frazzledrip.)
  2. And these people are known to PROJECT their own behavior onto others as regularly and dependably as they breathe.

Is it irresponsible to speculate like this? Back in the 90’s, when Peggy Noonan was recklessly speculating about the Clintons, she was asked that same question, and responded, “It is irresponsible NOT to speculate.”

I seem to have gotten off on a tangent. There is much else to discredit Governor Noem in her memoir, which isn’t even out in print yet. She claims to have met, and intimidated North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, which NEVER possibly could have happened. She claims to have CALLED OFF a meeting with French President Macron because he said something nice about Hamas, which also never happened. And even if she’d never written her memoir, she is forever discredited by her disastrous and heartless tenure as South Dakota governor.

But my real topic is what I referred to in another recent post as “The Tone-Deaf, Double-Down Cluelessness of the GOP,” as illustrated in the state Party picking this woman as the headliner for their convention. I broach this topic in sorrow, as a Democrat who wishes we had a sane, responsible opposition Party, and who also knows that my own Party is not always all that & a bag of chips.

Rachel Maddow‘s topic a few days ago was the same thing nationwide, Republican state parties elevating their very worst, their most lawless and truth-challenged members to positions of responsibility, like a big “fuck you” to the nation and reality. Here, take a little break from my prose and listen to one of the pros:

Here in Orange County, which is what I mostly write about, the County Party has recently

  1. named Madison Miner, the OUSD Board member who was recently recalled, by a healthy margin including a lot of Republican votes, as their Trustee of the Year – Madison who jokingly encouraged violence at her school board meetings and spent her tenure re-directing public education money to the for-profit charter school that she sends her own children to; and
  2. endorsed Tony Beall for Rancho Santa Margarita Mayor, the day after he pissed off nearly everyone in town by trying to cut funding to the Boys and Girls Club in favor of some lame RSM museum, as well as putting the town at risk for hundreds of thousands of dollars by illegally refusing to pay a district-elections attorney just because he has a grudge against her husband for trying to audit his precious and corrupt Toll Roads Agency.

Given this sort of tone-deaf double-down cluelessness, I went out on a limb and predicted that Republican registration in this county would continue to dwindle, from the 55% of the Party’s glory days, past the current 33%, down to below 30 in the very near future. Below 30 – that’s freezing. That’s RUMP PARTY status. But let’s not just talk out our asses, let’s look at how the two towns in question have been trending.

Hmm. I can’t find any pre-2024 figures for little Rancho Santa Margarita, which does still enjoy a 40%-32% Republican advantage. Unlike nearby ALISO VIEJO, which now has a 37%-33% Democrat advantage.

But in ORANGE, where the Party just embraced the recalled Madison Miner: Five years ago Republicans outnumbered Democrats 37% to 32%, with 27% expressing No Party Preference. This year Orange Democrats outnumber Orange Republicans 37% to 35%, with 21% NPP. That’s about what I expected to see. How do you think the OC GOP’s embrace of the disgraced Miner, not to mention Trump, will help along this trend?

Gustavo Weighs In.

I see that the thin-skinned contrarian Gustavo Arellano just published a column in the Times entitled Watch Your Step, Dems: OC’s Purple Shine Hides a Red Underbelly. I was hoping to read it, but couldn’t get past the firewall – and I even tried to pay but it didn’t work! Lame. (Can anyone else read it?) I was hoping to read the whole thing, rip it a new one (or maybe not), and maybe have a big Gustavo fight here for old times sake.

I do know it contains the cute excerpt, “Leave the thoughts of a purple reign to Prince, O.C. Dems — there’s still a lot of work to do.” Lame. Nobody is dreaming of a Purple Reign, this IS a purple county and it’s getting bluer by the year. And much of the hard work of turning the county blue is being done by the lame OC GOP. That is my point.

And also, we just learned that the reliably red City of Orange now has a two-point Democrat advantage.

And also, the California Republican Party’s keynote speaker has dead puppy lips.

That is all.

Good night.

About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official political troubadour of Anaheim and most other OC towns. Regularly makes solo performances, sometimes with his savage-jazz band The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at, or 714-235-VERN.