TITO BALES: Updated with “Threatened Kids” and Jenna Jameson!

As my old buddy Greg Ridge observed, “First day of June, and a Snowflake Melts.”  And just so, totally unexpectedly at the beginning of tonight’s Council meeting, Tito Ortiz baled on us, effective immediately!  

And what a short, wild ride it’s been!  The MMA champion repeatedly bragged of his stamina back in the fall, how he stood in downtown HB for “EIGHT HOURS WITHOUT A BATHROOM BREAK,” protecting his beloved Surf City from Black Lives Matter and Antifa – but as elected Councilman he could only last 1/8 of his term – 6 months out of 4 years. 

Schadenfreude abounds, and not because poor dumb Tito deserves this self-humiliation. This was the standard bearer of all the angry Trump backers and alt-right people in Surf City and miles around.  This was also a candidate for which the OC GOP went ALL IN, even threatening the moderate Republican members of Council not to go along with removing his pro-tem title.

What happens next, for HB Council? (As most of the town breathes a sigh of relief.)  It looks like the charter prescribes an appointment rather than an election, which will certainly save HB money.  The six remaining members who would make that appointment are evenly split party-wise (3 Dems & 3 Reeps) but two of the Republicans are pretty moderate people who aren’t all that close to their party, and smart folks predict another Democrat appointed. 

In November, the wacky Gracey Van Der Mark (a truth-challenged, female Tito) got the next-most votes, nearly making it to council, but it’s unlikely 5 of the 6 councilmembers have an appetite for the embarrassment that would come with Tito Mach II.  Possible (and highly great) candidates for the appointment include Oscar Rodriguez, Gina Clayton-Tarvin, or Shayna Lathus.  Any of these would make for a really good HB Council, for the first time in … well, ever.

Possible replacements for Tito – Oscar, Gina & Shayna.

Tito’s farewell speech (posted below) is pretty sad. Tito can’t stay on Council, representing and fighting for the RECORD 42,000 HB CITIZENS who voted him in, because everybody is too mean – the Democrats, the RINOs, the media, reality itself.  He even claims that somebody is “threatening my children.”  Dude, criticizing you as a father for sending your two young sons to school without masks is not threatening your children.  But he and Amber believe in #Pizzagate and #Frazzledrip, so who knows, maybe they really are terrified. 

In true privileged Gen-X form, Jacob (that’s his actual birth name) concludes, “This job isn’t working for me.”

BUT JACOB, WE BARELY KNEW YE…

Who can forget the lead-up to his election – his facing down BLM, his boating hit-and-run?  Or his epic swearing-in, during which he swore to “discharge Judy?”

And Our Tito Watch Begins…

Do you remember his first Council meeting?  Seems like… well it does seem like six months ago which it was, but what memories!  Not being able to figure out how to use his microphone, or his words?  Refusing to wear a mask then or ever?  Lying about Dan Kalmick wearing a mask?  Following Erik on everything?  Putting Gracey Van Der Mark on the Planning Commission?  Relive it all…

Tito Tries a Council Meeting!

Well, you’ve GOTTA remember, right before Christmas time, the first time he made really embarrassing national news, trying to give out food at Ocean View School District without a mask and getting thrown out!  (Making an anti-mask statement was more important to him than actually helping anyone, then as now.)

Tito and Facial Coverings: A Dark Surf City Comedy

‘Member how his girlfriend Amber tried to use his celebrity to get herself a lotta #instagram hits for her fake charities “#SaveOurChildren” and “SOCial Foundation,” while pushing crazy and dangerous QAnon theories?  Well, WE ‘member that!

Tito’s Credo 1: #SaveOurChildren… and How it Doesn’t.

Marjorie Cheesecake Greene: the Insidious Lies of Amber.

And who can forget – WE sure can’t! – the first meeting, in early January, from which he got thrown out for stubbornly refusing to wear a mask?  He REALLY started thinking he was some kinda “Champion of the Oppressed” then!

Champion of the Oppressed: Unmasked Tito Thrown out of Meeting.

Not long after that, if you’ll recall, the Anti-Mask movement began morphing into an Anti-Vaccine movement – yes, months before we even had vaccines to rail against!  And even if you don’t specifically remember, you won’t be surprised that our Jacob jumped into that Clown Crusade with both feet!

Tito’s Credo 2: The HB Mayor Pro-Tem’s Plan to Kill Your Grandma.

EVERYBODY remembers when he took on the hella popular beach burger joint TK Burger because they tried to make him wear a mask.  He lost that one bigtime, and eked out a humiliation almost as cringeworthy as his whole short Council career.

Tito’s TK-Burger-Gate

‘Member later that month when he nearly had his “Mayor Pro-Tem” title stripped away because of all the public embarrassment he was putting Huntington Beach through, and then his fans bitched and complained and threatened so much that the Council gave in and let him keep it, with a promise that he’d behave a little better and work a little harder.  Who knew that four months later he was gonna chuck it all away anyhow?

Tito to Lose “Pro-Tem” Title? We Answer his Distraught Fans’ Complaints.

Tito Keeps His “Pro-Tem” Title!

What about when further acquaintance with this supposed rebel bad-boy revealed him to be another well-connected garden-variety big-money corrupt Republican?  Whom the OC GOP and developers nurtured, and Sheriff Don Barnes helped cover up his boating accident?

Tito’s Credo 3: A Dive into the Deep State, and the Boating Hit-and-Run

Remember when he jumped on the ridiculous but dangerous bandwagon claiming that the 2020 Presidential election was stolen and that Donald Trump really beat Joe Biden?  Of COURSE he did that!

Tito’s Credo 4: The Stolen Election (NOT!)

Do you remember how when many reasonable people in Huntington Beach were dying to recall this embarrassment, our Tito correspondent advised against it?  Well, maybe that was prescient – good thing those well-meaning recallers didn’t waste too much time and money on that!

The Argument AGAINST Recalling Tito Ortiz

How about when Amber, looking for more easy targets to attack, went after Trans people?  That pretty much sucked.  Oh well, with Tito out of office, people will be paying a lot less attention to BOTH of them.  (That reminds me, did you hear that today Donald Trump had to close down his “blog” because of lack of public interest?)

Transphobic Amber.

Can you kinda, sorta, remember around March, when we all looked at each other and thought in unison, “This guy isn’t just DUMB – more than that, he’s LAZY, and BORING.”

On the Banal Incompetence of Councilman Tito

And then – remember – at the end of March the Council just got tired of his maskless shit, and refused to have in-person meetings with the guy’s maskless ass.  Actually it woulda been against state rules.  Ironic that the first time the Council was able to have an in-person meeting with The Unmasked Man was June 1, when The Unmasked Man baled on us!

Better Late than Never: The HB Council Mask Showdown..

(for business he’d wear ’em … but not for the people of HB)

And we’re not even mentioning his two most recent (pre-baling) embarrassments: 

Anyway we just wanted to say:

UPDATE June 5

Tito and his girlfriend Amber, looking for excuses for him to weasel out of Council 3-1/2 years early, blame it on people “threatening their kids.” Who is threatening these innocent young boys? Gina Clayton Tarvin, they say! No, Gina just wouldn’t let them come to school without masks – she has school district and state rules to enforce!

If anyone is endangering these two innocent kids, it’s Amber, who posted this all over Instagram the morning she sent them off to school maskless as part of her political theater, while tagging the entire anti-masking universe.

I’m gonna say something a lot of us are thinking – Tito should go back to Jenna, the kids’ birth mom. She may have some problems (which she may have overcome) but she wouldn’t be sending their kids out to be political pawns.


About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official troubador of both Anaheim and Huntington Beach (the two ends of the Santa Ana Aquifer.) Performs regularly both solo, and with his savage-jazz quintet The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at vernpnelson@gmail.com, or 714-235-VERN.