Jordan gets to keep Matt’s Teddy Bear!


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Anaheim Insider here.

Was it a dream?  Or did all of that really happen?  My head is pounding.

I have seen some wild parties, and some strange sexual practices, in the years since I’ve been privileged to socialize with Anaheim’s “Masters of the Universe,” but I never experienced anything quite like last night, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it.

Yes, it MUST have happened, because right here in my jacket pocket is the speech the Great Man gave me to recite in honor of Jordan Getting Matt’s Teddy Bear!  Or “José,” as they call that poor long-suffering critter.

teddy bear 2

What happens normally at most of our shindigs is something like this:

Around 10pm or so, after Matt (lightweight that he is) has downed a couple of wine coolers, he gets this manic grin on his face and heads out to his car, as everyone else rolls their eyes and says, “Great, here comes José.”  Then Matt walks back in with a cardboard box, out of which he takes that old famous teddy bear that got him in so much trouble back in 2013, a three-foot high cross, half a dozen votive candles, and a small boom box.  Then he proceeds to crucify the poor little bear, sets a tiny straw sombrero atop its head, lights the candles in a circle around it while chuckling creepily to himself, and puts on a backing track of a minor-key La Cucaracha on a loop. 

Then Matt addresses the other partiers:  “Do you guys know what this bear symbolizes?”

Generally half the inebriated attendees will shout out, “Mexicans!  Beaners!  Wetbacks!  Gangbangers!”  And Matt will cry out, “No, no, you idiots – I’m MARRIED to a Mexican.   It’s all about LEFTISTS.  Haven’t I told you before?”  And he’ll pedantically drone, “This is SATIRE. It’s about the leftist tendency to feed off of tragedies of violence – to contend they have wider social and political meaning behind themselves and exploit them to push their politics and usually a specific policy agenda, like district elections. THAT’S WHY IT’S FUNNY.  Jeez, you guys!”

And then – this is the part that’s hard for me to get used to, as I’m just an old-fashioned guy from the Midwest – the bear gets passed around as different men and women perform various unspeakable acts on it.  I generally find an excuse to go into another room, because I really don’t enjoy seeing that sort of thing, though I seem to be in the minority on that.

I should mention that the bear, after two years of this treatment, no longer looks like a bear at all, but a shapeless colorless mass of sticky stuffing and fur held together awkwardly with duct tape, and smelling from a room away like bodily fluids.

That’s how things USUALLY go, but last night was different.  It’s starting to come back…

teddy bear 3

THIS time – directly after the Dec 8 meeting where the agreed on districting map had been discarded by the council majority for further “study” – the Great Man was in an unusually jolly mood, and brought along a huge case of Chivas Regal, along with what I later discovered was several hundred CAPTAGON, the drug ISIS uses to keep their troops up and fighting for days.  Once every last one of us was high as a kite on Chivas and Captagon, the Great Man stood on the pool table, cleared his throat, and yelled, “Matt, go get that teddy bear – we’re going to do something NEW with it tonight.”

The wordsmith, who’d seemed somewhat subdued and confused that night, immediately brightened up and scampered out to his car, but when he returned with his box he looked horrified at the Great Man’s first words, “Matt, it’s time to let somebody else have José for a while.”

“But – but – I FOUND him!  There wouldn’t BE any José if it weren’t for me!”

The Great Man, who brooks no dissent in his ranks, shot back, “You’ll do what I say!  Who pays your bills, you hack?  Now hand it over.”  And as a whimpering Matt complied, the Great Man put his arm around a blushing Jordan and announced, “I want you all to know that what Jordan did tonight, even if it doesn’t make sense to you at first, was the perfect move, and HE THOUGHT IT UP ALL BY HIMSELF!”

I was finally the one brave enough to break the stunned silence:  “TWO majority Latino districts instead of ONE?  How is that good for us, sir?  I’m sorry but – “

“YES, Toady!  As Jordan explained to me, giving them TWO majority CVAC districts instead of ONE majority and two ALMOST majorities will lock them into a council minority for YEARS, maybe decades.  I don’t know why I didn’t see that, I must be slipping.”  The reactions around the room ranged from pained confusion on the faces of Ernesto and Todd, to “Aha!  Now I see” looks on the faces of Kris and Connor.  “So, we’ve got that many more years for…”

“Public-private partnerships?”  I broke in hopefully, knowing his favorite phrase.

“Exactamundo, Toady!  Now I’d like you to read this little speech I wrote, while we prepare the teddy bear for Jordan.”  And he handed me this scrawled-on Catch napkin which I’m looking at now:

  • WHEREAS, Councilman Brandman has so far successfully pulled off the difficult balancing act of appearing like a Democrat who supports district elections while continuously delaying and subverting them;
  • WHEREAS, on August 8, 2012, Council candidate Brandman called for the wondrous reform of districting while also insisting that they be delayed for years of study while fighting the reform in court, exactly as he was instructed;
  • WHEREAS, on June 11, 2013, when the Usurper Tait was attempting to put districting on the ballot and stop the court fight; and Brandman was, with my permission, fulfilling his promise to support such a move in the council minority;  and it looked like Weak Lucille may be wavering and joining Tait and Brandman to make a districting majority;  Brandman THOUGHT FAST and CALLED THE QUESTION* (with a little prodding from me by text;)
  • AND WHEREAS, all on his own earlier this evening, Councilman Brandman has delayed districting even longer, opening up the possibility of locking Anaheim’s Latinos into a council minority for years to come, as well as allowing our side to prepare for the 2016 elections while our opponents rack their heads in confusion; and STILL Councilman Brandman can come off as a Democrat seeking more representation for the Latinos…
  • I HEREBY DECREE THAT COUNCILMAN JORDAN BRANDMAN, IN WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED, IS NOW KEEPER OF THE TEDDY BEAR KNOWN AS JOSÉ, UNTIL SUCH TIME AS SOMEONE ELSE EARNS THAT RIGHT.

“We’ve come a long way from poll guards, haven’t we, guys?,” chuckled the Great Man.  “Another round of Chivas and Captagon for everybody!  Now, hand Jordan this… thing, Matt, and stop sniveling.”

By now both of them were in tears, Matt for the loss of his prized bear, and Jordan touched and honored beyond words, as he took possession of the shapeless stuffed animal.  The Great Man raised his glass in a toast:  “To – DISFRANCHISEMENT!”

“To Disfranchisement,” shouted the crowd.

“OF…” he continued slowly.

“MEXICANS!  BEANERS!  GANGBANGERS!” shouted the addled crowd.

“NO, NO, NO, you idiots.  We’re not racists!  To the disfranchisement of …” and he looked sharply toward Matt.

“LEFTISTS, sir!”

“That’s right!”  The Great Man downed his glass, set it down, and led a round of applause.  “Now give me the honors, Jordan.  I want to have my way with that bear first.”

And then the horrors began.  This time the Great Man scolded me for being a wimp and forced me to watch everything, it must have taken an hour.  Things were done to that bear that I can’t erase from my brain.  And when it was all over, Jordan clutched the sodden mass to his breast and sobbed, “This is the best day of my life.”

teddy bear mutilation

Or maybe it WAS all a dream.  This coming down off Captagon is terrible, added to a hangover.  I don’t know how much longer I can continue this life.  I’m sorry, I have to go throw up….

*Trip down memory lane, June 11, 2013,
when Jordan and Mayor Tait were the “pro-districting minority.”
Start at 4:46 or so:

4:46:00 Tom urges a vote to settle the suit and put districting on the ballot,
and warns accurately of the consequences if that doesn’t happen.
He already has Jordan’s vote but they’re a minority.
At 4:49 Lucille, typically, expresses confusion,
and a problem mainly with the NUMBER OF SEATS recommended – she is in play.
Around 4:50 staff answers her questions and Kris “calls the question.”
At 4:51:33 JORDAN suddenly calls the question too, moving inexplicably to end debate.
He and Kris had both been looking at their phones.
At 4:55 the Mayor’s measure is defeated 3-2, and the fight against districting would continue for …
well, it’s still ongoing.
We’ll never know what might have happened if Lucille’s concerns had been addressed.
Because Jordan “called the question” before that could happen.


About Anaheim Insider

Identity suspected but unsure, Anaheim Insider is SOME slavish devotee of Curt Pringle and the Disney/Chamber kleptocracy in the OC's biggest city, and can always be counted on to spout their official line. [OK, he's a satirical character based on the anonymous "Anaheim Insider" who posts on Matt Cunningham's "AnaheimBlog.net", and is known for his tagline "Anaheim Insider here" and referring to Mr. Pringle as "The Great Man."] Oh, and of late, the editors have been using "Anaheim Insider" for non-satirical Anaheim-related pieces which are either collaborative or simple announcements.