How to Burn a Confederate Flag (Without Supporting Slave Labor)

South Carolina protesters have had enough of this.

South Carolina protesters have had enough of this.

So you, like many others, have decided in the wake of the Mother Emanuel Church massacre (the 2015 one, not the earlier ones) and have decided that it’s time to burn the Confederate flag.  How do you do it in a way that is friendliest to the environment and to the rights of workers?

First of all, DON’T BUY A FLAG!  If someone happens to own one lying around and you have a special occasion, go ahead and burn it.  (Don’t waste it on a small occasion.  It should be part if something big!)  For everyday purposes, a paper flag will do nicely.  Unlike American flags, which can be purchased online from American companies and made by American workers paid an American minimum wage, Confederate flags are generally made in China — and that means likely made with de facto slaves.  No matter how much you like irony, protesting the persistence of the slaveholder mentality into modern America with flags made by slaves should be too much even for you.

Instead, follow these directions from my friend Bob:

1) Go online and find a large image of the C.F. (preferably a “vector” file so it can be scaled to any size.)

2) Go to a local printer that has large color digital printers (Fed Ex should work) and have your paper flag printed.

3) Invite all of your like-minded friends to come to your back yard for a confederate flag burning fund raiser and bring their checkbook

Paper will also release less carbon into the atmosphere than cloth.  And, if your orinter uses vegetable-based inks, you can even use it to fuel your barbecue!

Bob, however, is very civic-minded, so he doesn’t stop there.  Let’s consider these next steps optional.

4) auction off pieces of the flag. Start by cutting off small pieces and small starting bids. Work your way up to the final biggest piece (center) that is the grand prize

5) every one who bought a piece of the flag gets to make a short speech about what this means to them then burn their piece over the barbecue pit (carefully-no kids, no alcohol, put on grate then burn to crowd cheers)
6) all monies raised goes to an anti racist charity like the Southern Poverty Law Center, etc.

Please share this on Facebook. Lets raise some money to fight racism.

But is all of this just too mean?  I don’t think so.  First, it’s not mean to the people who were targets of Confederate and KKK — the group that actually made the Stars and Bars “a thing” here in the past century — and who hate the flag.  But beyond that, it helps if you think of it as an exorcism for the South.  They can’t break free of their demons — so we’re going to help them do it!

About Greg Diamond

Somewhat verbose attorney, semi-retired due to disability, residing in northwest Brea. Occasionally runs for office against bad people who would otherwise go unopposed. Got 45% of the vote against Bob Huff for State Senate in 2012; Josh Newman then won the seat in 2016. In 2014 became the first attorney to challenge OCDA Tony Rackauckas since 2002; Todd Spitzer then won that seat in 2018. Every time he's run against some rotten incumbent, the *next* person to challenge them wins! He's OK with that. Corrupt party hacks hate him. He's OK with that too. He does advise some local campaigns informally and (so far) without compensation. (If that last bit changes, he will declare the interest.)