A crime spree of shocking proportions amidst the well-tended sidewalk gardens of SD-37! A burly man cases the joint sees three or more Moorlach signs and, visibly aroused, strides towards them. Approaching the sign, he sets his weight and … RIPS the sign out of the ground like it was a crocodile stuck facedown in the mud! Who is this man — and whose purpose does he serve?
Our roving correspondent Cynthia Ward reports in from the California Republican Assembly Convention in Sacramento with a video posted by an operative code-named “Deborah Pauly” on The Facebook! Amidst the beauty of the lavender and/or lilacs — we can never remember which is which — an ugly crime spree has left its mark!
Pauly pleads:
CAUGHT ON CAMERA! We’ve been hearing reports of Moorlach campaign signs being stolen from all over the 37th Senate District, but usually they are lifted in the darkness of night. This is in broad daylight! That is pretty bold. Anyone know this guy? Please, share and help us identify him.
The best shot that we obtained of this bestial marauding pink-shorted sign-despoiler’s face — which may be critical, given how many men in SD-37 have bodies shaped roughly like this — is here:
As you can clearly see, this thug has worn both the dark glasses and fishing hat pulled low that are characteristic of his criminal breed, making identification difficult — except perhaps that the station wagon is a little bit distinctive.
Indeed, if there is any hope at all for identifying this vicious perp in pink, it may be due to the combination of his natural grace, his powerful brawn, his rosy complexion, his tendency to wear the arm frame of his glasses on the outside of his ears (where it may stay attached by the enormous gravity exerted by his head) — and the way that he sports his highly set pair of B-cups. Not every man can pull off that look — some won’t even try — although admittedly a disproportionate number of them may be tangentially involved in politics.
Who is this mystery man? What relationship does he have to the powerful political figure Don “The Dapper Don-Wag” Wagner, now tussling with John “The Moorlach” Moorlach to be King of Orange County’s legislative political jungle (intermediate division)? To whom is that 1960s-era-looking panel station wagon registered? Orange Juice Blog wants to know! And the Moorlach campaign wants to know. And probably the Namazing Naz Namazi and Louise “Spell My Name!” Stewardson campaigns want to know. But if memory serves, the person who should MOST want to know is Orange County District Attorney Tony Rackauckas, who last year went after someone else who allegedly stole signs from a Republican based on flimsier evidence that this! But — he himself has endorsed the prime suspect — Don Wagner’s campaign! Will the DA remain true to his convictions? (We’re kidding, of course. He won’t.)
If you reside in SD-37 and you weren’t going to vote before — NOW YOU MUST! JUSTICE RELIES ON YOU!
*How cool is this? Ya gotta love the new technological revolution….that allows everyone
to be video’d at any time. Where is the UPS truck? Just kidding.
Those definitely not “pert” breasts. Those are badly sagging moobs.
White and gold!
In that left photo of the three at the top, they look pert to me. But it may be the lighting, and/or the undergarments.
Whatever. I recommend the Bro or the Mansiere for blobbo.
1960s station wagon? Looks more like a Jeep Grand Cherokee to me.
Same difference. He’s probably not really a B-cup either.
Yep, that’s definitely a Jeep Grand Cherokee.
A Grand Cherokee is a “sporty” (so they assert) station wagon. To me, it looked longer and less high than a Cherokee, but regardless: it’s a station wagon.
Is it not 1960s vintage? Well, you have me there. Luckily, I was being facetious.
So the question is: who knows this guy? (Where do you stand on the appearance of the “moobs” based on the upper left photo: pert or badly sagging? We may need to rely on them for identification.)
I would assert that the reason why this fellow’s moobs appear to point at an upward angle is due to the fact that despite the fact that they were no doubt flouncing in a rather alarming and elastic arc, the image captured a brief moment when said moobs were in a position mimicking a foreshortened upward tilt.
As said moobs are highly gelatinous in composition, we would need to see the objects at rest to be completely confident of the effect of gravity.
Well, then to settle our disagreement, we have all the more motivation to determine his identity.
*Or a Volvo..or Jeep…..silver is usually more Volvo. 58 B-Cup? Probably a hard to
find size at Macy’s. Probably has to get those matching pink bras on-line? Just guessing!
Sign theft/vandalism is definitely among the most ridiculously juvenile campaign tactics imaginable. All it accomplishes is making one’s campaign appear incredibly sophomoric.
Congratulations, Wagner for Senate Campaign! You just gave John Moorlach some free media while embarrassing yourselves in the process as well.