Wagner’s Station Wagon of Shame! Pert-Breasted Man in Pink Shorts Steals Moorlach’s Signs!

Burly sign thief in Station Wagner wanted

A crime spree of shocking proportions amidst the well-tended sidewalk gardens of SD-37! A burly man cases the joint sees three or more Moorlach signs and, visibly aroused, strides towards them. Approaching the sign, he sets his weight and … RIPS the sign out of the ground like it was a crocodile stuck facedown in the mud! Who is this man — and whose purpose does he serve?


Our roving correspondent Cynthia Ward reports in from the California Republican Assembly Convention in Sacramento with a video posted by an operative code-named “Deborah Pauly” on The Facebook!  Amidst the beauty of the lavender and/or lilacs — we can never remember which is which — an ugly crime spree has left its mark!

Pauly pleads:

CAUGHT ON CAMERA! We’ve been hearing reports of Moorlach campaign signs being stolen from all over the 37th Senate District, but usually they are lifted in the darkness of night. This is in broad daylight! That is pretty bold. Anyone know this guy? Please, share and help us identify him.

The best shot that we obtained of this bestial marauding pink-shorted sign-despoiler’s face — which may be critical, given how many men in SD-37 have bodies shaped roughly like this — is here:

Burly thief of Moorlach signs!

As you can clearly see, this thug has worn both the dark glasses and fishing hat pulled low that are characteristic of his criminal breed, making identification difficult — except perhaps that the station wagon is a little bit distinctive.

Burly Moorlach sign thief 2Indeed, if there is any hope at all for identifying this vicious perp in pink, it may be due to the combination of his natural grace, his powerful brawn, his rosy complexion, his tendency to wear the arm frame of his glasses on the outside of his ears (where it may stay attached by the enormous gravity exerted by his head) — and the way that he sports his highly set pair of B-cups.  Not every man can pull off that look — some won’t even try — although admittedly a disproportionate number of them may be tangentially involved in politics.

Who is this mystery man?  What relationship does he have to the powerful political figure Don “The Dapper Don-Wag” Wagner, now tussling with John “The Moorlach” Moorlach to be King of Orange County’s legislative political jungle (intermediate division)?  To whom is that 1960s-era-looking panel station wagon registered?  Orange Juice Blog wants to know!  And the Moorlach campaign wants to know.  And probably the Namazing Naz Namazi and Louise “Spell My Name!” Stewardson campaigns want to know.  But if memory serves, the person who should MOST want to know is Orange County District Attorney Tony Rackauckas, who last year went after someone else who allegedly stole signs from a Republican based on flimsier evidence that this!  But — he himself has endorsed the prime suspect — Don Wagner’s campaign!  Will the DA remain true to his convictions?  (We’re kidding, of course.  He won’t.)

If you reside in SD-37 and you weren’t going to vote before — NOW YOU MUST!  JUSTICE RELIES ON YOU!

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"Admin" is just editors Vern Nelson, Greg Diamond, or Ryan Cantor sharing something that they mostly didn't write themselves, but think you should see. Before December 2010, "Admin" may have been former blog owner Art Pedroza.