All You Need to Know About Voting in Anaheim This Year, Part 2: A Formula to Determine Your Vote

With only four Mayoral candidates and six Council candidates, it’s possible to come up with a Scientific Survey to tell you which way you should vote based on your answers to just a few questions.  We here at OJB want to make your job of voting easier, so grab a pencil and a notepad and let’s begin!

After OJB’s old computer told us, back in 2012, that if those who wanted to support the rapacious policies of Curt Pringle should vote for Lucille Kring, WHO HAD CAMPAIGNED AGAINST THEM, we finally had the old beast destroyed. Little did we know that it was right!

Mayoral Race:

1. In an election with clear contrasts between candidates, would you prefer to cast a protest vote to one that might actually decide the election?

YES = you are voting for Denis Fitzgerald  [DONE, GO TO COUNCIL RACES]

NO = you are not voting for Fitzgerald, so go to question 2

2. Do you favor the almost $1 billion in speculative subsidies being given to the Resort District with much benefit to middlemen but little clear benefit to the public and great potential risk to Anaheim’s eventual solvency?

YES = you are supporting either Kring or Galloway

NO = you are supporting either Tait or Galloway

3. Would you prefer to vote for a candidate whose stances on the major issues of the day are unclear, but who God may punish you for not supporting?

NO, I PREFER CLEAR STANCES = go back to question 2 and vote for the one who isn’t Galloway [DONE]

YES, WHEN I VOTE MY MAIN AIM IS NOT TO PISS OFF GOD AND FACE PUNISHMENT FOR IT = go to question 4

4. Do you BELIEVE a candidate when he or she assures you that he or she has been chosen for office by God?

SURE, WHY NOT; WHY WOULD SOMEONE SAY THAT IF IT ISN’T TRUE? = you are supporting Galloway  [DONE]

NO = go back to question 2, figure out which position doesn’t piss off God, and vote for the one who isn’t Galloway  [DONE]

CITY COUNCIL RACES (2 OPEN SEATS, SO YOU MAY NEED TO RUN THROUGH THIS TWICE)

1. How do you feel about voting for candidates that have dropped out of the race?

LOVE IT! = You are supporting O’Keefe or Pettibone.  Go to question 2.

NOT SO HOT = You are not supporting O’Keefe or Pettibone.  Go to question 3.

2. Attorney or Cop?

ATTORNEY = you are supporting Pettibone, who would rather that you switched to supporting Vanderbilt and Dr. Jose F. Moreno  Vote for one or both of them instead.  [DONE]

COP = you are supporting O’Keefe, so vote for him  [DONE]

3. How did you answer question 2 in the Mayor’s Race questions?

I LOVE THE IDEA OF BANKRUPTING ANAHEIM AND MAKING MIDDLEMEN RICH! = you are supporting Murray and Eastman [DONE — AS, PERHAPS, IS ANAHEIM]

I’D RATHER LEAVE ANAHEIM AS GOOD AS I FOUND IT = you are supporting Vanderbilt, Dr. Jose F. Moreno, or Acevedo

4. Are you either Denis Fitzgerald or a Republican who delights in confusing local election analysts?

YES = you are supporting Vanderbilt and Acevedo  [DONE]

NO = go to question 5

5. Can you handle the idea of voting for a Republican?

YES = you are supporting Dr. Jose F. Moreno and Vanderbilt.  Mark down Vanderbilt and go to question 6.

NO = you are supporting Dr. Jose F. Moreno and Acevedo.   Mark down Acevedo and go to question 6.

6. Can you tell the difference between a name that contains the middle initial “F” and one that doesn’t?

YES = be sure to vote for “Jose F. Moreno” rather than just “Jose Moreno”  [DONE]

NOT SURE = go to question 7

7. Can you tell the difference between a ballot designation of “Governing Board Member, Anaheim City School District” and one that says “County Eligibility Technician”?

YES = be sure to vote for the one who is described as the Governing Board Member of the School District  [DONE]

NOT SURE = go to question 8

8. Can you tell the difference between the numeral “1” and the numeral “2”?

SURE CAN! = be sure to vote for the Moreno with the “1” next to his name  [DONE]

I REALLY DON’T THINK SO = OK, then fine — you can just vote for both of them   [DONE]