Exorcism of Vern Nelson, POSTPONED!!!!! (OJB’s 10,000th Story!)

NOTICE!!!!  Due to other obligations on the part of those involved, the exorcism of Herman Cain and whatever other beasties from the corporeal body of Vern Nelson is POSTPONED! — but still expect it in September.

Bring your Republican friends, especially Paulistas, and we’ll get a group rate!

I wish that this, the 10,000th story published at Orange Juice Blog (not counting deleted ones, which are uncounted), could be about a happier subject, but it is about what it is about — an exorcism.

This blog’s owner, publisher, editor, inspirer, caterer and mascot, Mr. Vern Nelson, got himself into a spot of trouble earlier this year when he re-registered from the Democratic Party to become a Republican. He did this for a noble reason: so that he could vote against Mitt Romney in the Republican Presidential primary and instead for the more appealing Ron Paul. (His second choice was an also-more-appealing-than-Romney pile of dishes in the sink.) That was fine — but he quickly found his thinking processes … altered.

You can read for yourself the first-person account of his degeneration beginning May 21. It’s a painful read. A lifetime of built-up rationality, teetering and toppling, due to one simple careless act. And, contrary to the promises of people all over Orange County, Ron Paul didn’t even win! (Even as late as last week, we thought that he might take the whole convention hostage like some evil mastermind and somehow wrest away the nomination, but no. It was sort of a letdown.)

Basically, Vern done got himself a case of the evil spirits. He has done his best to suppress them in the past three-plus months — most of his writing here seems quite rational, actually, although that may have to do with his doing extra drafts of them once the demons have gone to sleep — but still — it’s hard. From what I can tell, it gets hardest at times of stress, such as what he will experience in the middle of this Sunday evening — the ninth night of the ninth month of the year — when numerology will dictate that the influence of evil spirits will be at their height.

(No, I’m not talking about that “9/9 at 9” thing as a reference to the number of the beast; it’s a reference to the Harasser of the Pizza Chain, Herman Cain — a particularly odd but powerful spirit!)

The plan is to lure Vern into the Campaign Headquarters for the Democrats of North Orange County after he finishes his concern at the Huntington Beach Library from 4-6. (I’ve been to one of his concerts there. Go. He’s an amazing and versatile pianist/keyboardist.) While we’re starting the event at 7, we expect him there by 7:30 or 8:00. As the hour nears 9:00, I expect the spirit of Hermancain to arise within him — leading him to play more and more songs with diabolical themes. Then, at 9:00 — we exorcise him! And then we re-register him as a Democrat. (Or an independent, whatever.)

You may wonder who will be performing this exorcism. We’re keeping that a secret from Vern. But let’s just say, you should come prepared. (And if you buy a raffle ticket to be the one who exorcises him, you should come REALLY prepared!) But alas, I think I may have already said too much.

Once the exorcism is done and we re-register him, we’ll offer the same service to anyone else who may have registered Republican to vote for Ron Paul, or because their parents wanted them to, or because the party once admitted sane people but now is bent more towards the … well, the bent. You show up and you have citizenship and a pulse — and we’ll register you. (You don’t even have to register as a Democrat, but no one can vouch for your spiritual safety with a disembodied Hermancain spirit whizzing around the room if you don’t.) Afterwards, we may have some karaoke — at the unbeatable price of “free” — and once Vern has healed (and it may take several minutes), he’ll continue to play, unencumbered by any spirit more dangerous than Jerry Lee Lewis, Kurt Cobain, or Phil Spector. (I know — sounds dangerous, but he’s used to that.)

The Democratic Headquarters in Fullerton is at 215 W. Commonwealth, across from the Civic Light Opera and next to — no, I am not making this up — the Police Station. (So don’t even think about counterfeiting currency while you’re there!) Food and non-alcoholic drink will probably be available for purchase. In keeping with the theme, we are seriously considering pea soup. (Get it? You’ve seen The Exorcist? What’s that — you weren’t born until two decades after it came out? Never mind.)

This is, I believe, also some sort of fundraiser for my “Greg Diamond for State Senate” campaign, but that may be limited to selling munchies, drinkies, and lottery ticketsies. You can always make a contribution, if you wish, directly to my website, at my ActBlue page. To keep this from being partisan, you can also make a donation to my opponent Bob Huff through this page — oh, wait — sorry, that’s Jay Chen for Congress. You can easily find Bob Huff’s page through Google; I suggest that you type in “Bob” and start paging through the results.

So, that’s our 10,000th story! We look forward to 10,000 more, maybe around this time in 2020.