BOO! (the one-word movie reviews of Synthian Sharp) – July edition

 

 No.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 YES.

 The only word for this level of commitment to The Bit is: GLORIOUS. — These people did more historical research than the History-Channel. — And this is not even a distant COUSIN, to the Buffy-Fluff you think it is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 SYMPHONY.

 This is what happens when you remove the chains from a team of truly skilled screenwriters.

 This is both a masterfully layered execution of every plot mechanism that had the endurance to step forth from Greek Mythology, and the final proof that in the hands of a great composer, they can play in harmony.

 This is what a perfect screenplay looks like without the rules. — And this is what your screenwriting teachers mean when they say, “You must first learn the rules, in order to understand how to break them.”

 …And if you look really close… you’ll see some of Hollywood’s best work, take a moment of pause, on the location where Heath Ledger hung his head out the window of that great big semi truck for the very last time… right before a little scene that’s known through out screenwriting as, “The Tragic Hero”. — And that he was. — So since no words can really express what seeing that moment meant to some of us out here in the audience, I’ll just say ‘well met and, thank you Nolan brothers’… and that, some of us understand.

 You just took an award nobody knew existed. — Bravo.

Obviously I could eulogize the fact that “some men just want to watch the world burn” here… but you know what??? The worst thing that can happen to a terrorist is to go unnoticed.
#PAY_NO_ATTENTION_TO_THE_MAN_BEHIND_THE_CURTAIN

 

*CTRL ALT DEL! CTRL ALT DEL*

 

 


 

 


 

 

 

 

 

THIS… is Quvenzhané Wallis. — (pronounced: Kwa-ven-Jenn-ay).

She was 7 years old when she shot *BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD* And she will BLOW… YOU… AWAY. I kid you not. — This is the kind of talent & execution that makes us cry & remember what art is for… AND I HAVE NEVER FOUND MYSELF ROOTING SO HARD FOR A LITTLE ACTOR TO MAKE IT IN MY LIFE. – So if you only see one movie this year… make it hers. 

PERFECTION. 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Yes. — but with the one modest reservation that: WHEN WE SAID WE LOVED VOLDEMORT, HANIBAL LECTER, HOOK, & THE JOKER… AND THEN PRETTY MUCH GAVE YOU A WRITTEN SET OF COMMANDMENTS THAT DECLARED IN A UNIVERSAL AND UNDYING VOICE THAT, “WE WANTED A VILLAIN MORE COMPELLING THAN VADER…” WELL… BASICALLY, *SOME RANDOM BEAR* IS ABOUT A FUCKIN ‘TARD’S MILE FROM THE TARGET. #FROWNY_FACE !!!

But you are Pixar Fantasy so here’s your free pass. — Oh, and um… Pixar??? — It puts the villain in the film, or else it gets the hose again.

 

 

 

 

 

 GOODER.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DUDE!!! STOP! I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is outside of somebody’s box somewhere,
but nobody knows which box or who the fuck would leave such a box lying around in the first place,
so they can’t put it back.
So my recommendation is not so much, “watch it” as “keep an eye on it”. :/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– The following movies have stopped being “alone time” movies where Grandma drops you off at the building with stripes on it, and have started being plastic DVD movies for at home, which is ok because there are juice boxes at home. –

(Even if you have a big computer like Doug Johnson, you should NOT steal at home DVD movies, like Doug Johnson. <– who steals DVD movies. If you do then you probably don’t even understand what at home movie time is all about, and don’t deserve juice boxes anyway.)

 … … … *shove*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 YAY!


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Meh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 HOLY COLOSTOMY-CIRCUS YES!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 EXACTLY 3 TIMES AS GOOD AS THE ORIGINAL POOP IT WAS SCULPTED FROM. — Your call.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, BUT… with a caveat that says: You must be the guy who liked both PI, and PRIMER. (And NO. NO GIRLS LIKED PI & PRIMER. NERDS ARE SINGLE FOR A REASON.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 The baseline against which all future measurements of averageness will be unnoticeably measured.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Yeah… here’s the thing. — Being the TRUE story, is not the same as being a GOOD story. — Watch the far less accurate: Flyboys instead. You’ll thank me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEXT THING OF GREATNESS HEADING YOUR WAY:

*

“Go forth and witness unbounded works… to see your own lives in them.
And let them bring you together… in their victories and woes.
For we’ve just one fleeting purpose… in the maelstrom together.
And it is this. This; Our calling, Our reason, Our bliss. Only this:
To feel the throes.”

Synthian Sharp is the singer for the human rights rock band: Exit Ophelia, a children’s author, and member of Occupy Orange County. His latest film is: How I Became An Elephant, and his one-word film reviews appear on the Orange Juice Blog on a regular basis. If you DO take issue with any of them, challenge him in the comments section and he will respond with more than one word. Tweet @synthian.


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