University of California Regents Approve Grade Redistribution Program

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Noting that the spread between the best and worst students reached historic highs in 2010, the Regents of the University of California have adopted a ground breaking grade redistribution program.  Under this program, those with an overabundance of credits or with GPAs above 3.5 will see up to 38% of their credits or GPA shifted to those students with GPAs under 2.0 or who would not graduate within five years.  The adoption of the program drew immediate praise from fraternities and sororities throughout the country.  “There are some really selfish folks out there that think that hard work and talent justifies hording the majority of the good grades.  That is not how this country was built,” commented Delta Umlaut Malta Beta National President Chuck Slimmons.

“We have come to learn that the top grades are being hoarded by fewer and fewer students,” remarked Regent Frederick Von Bestenberg.  “Failure to act would have allowed this unprecendented selfishness to continue.  These students simply have to ask themselves – when is enough enough?”

“This is the bestest day ever,” shouted a beer soaked Anthony Bruschi.  “I could never figure out how I could keep my party on and still graduate – now they have taken care of that for me!!”  Mr. Bruschi turned serious for a minute, “do you realize that only 3% of the students were pulling down 30% of the A’s – that’s just wrong.”

The reaction to the measure was not universally applauded.  Upcoming UCLA grad Alfred Abaluhya was stunned, “I worked so hard to get into Harvard graduate school and now I have to put that off at least a year – if I can ever get back at all.”  Mr. Abaluhya was dubbed a “serious offender” under the Regents new policy when, as a first generation immigrant from Kenya he had compiled sufficient credits to graduate in only 3 1/2 years and had compiled a perfect 4.0 GPA.  “They sent me a letter that said I was greedy and needed to “give back” 37% of what I have earned – do you know how hard I worked for that?”


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