The Hilarious Anti-Semitic Assault on Eric Cantor

Well-known whiney-ass pantywaist Eric Cantor, who is also the GOP House Minority Whip, was sent to the podium yesterday with a threefold task:  Make light of the recent rash of violence and threats against pro-healthcare Democrats;  blame the attacks on the victims for somehow “fanning the flames”;  and create an equivalence by claiming there have also been attacks on Republicans.

Check, check, and check. Cantor was just the guy for the third task, as he had his own recent personal tale of terror to tell:  “Why just this week,” he droned, “a bullet was shot through the window of my campaign office in Richmond.”  Oh my!  Maybe the violence truly is coming from both sides in the healthcare struggle.

Mr. Cantor modestly declined to link the attack to his Jewish faith, but famed civil rights activist Terry Crowley immediately knew exactly what was going on – an anti-Semitic hate crime perpetrated by pro-healthcare leftists!

“By the way, has everyone heard the leading Jewish Congressional representative had his office shot at?” Crowley thundered last night. “My god, they kicked Netanyahu out of the country for building some apartments, now they’re coming after the rest of them. The anti semitism of the Left rears its ugly head.”

Oh. Except for this:  Police reports (which are all we have since there were no news reports on the “incident”) show that someone in a nearby neighborhood evidently discharged a firearm into the air one night, and when the bullet came back down it grazed the window of a Richmond office building where Cantor rented office space, shattering the glass.  But wait – there’s even less:  It was a first-story window of a two-story building where Cantor sometimes rents office space on the second floor.  And no sort of message was left by the crazed “assailant.”

Josh Marshall, in a piece hauntingly entitled  “Demzo Violentino,” observes:

…Cantor’s claim seems to be that he was attacked by one of those Renaissance military engineers from Italy who first discovered the parabolic ballistic equations that allowed you to shoot artillery nearly straight up in the air and have it hit your enemy on the way back down…  I’m a bit surprised that he can even walk down the halls of Congress now without friends and associates snickering at him for making such a fool out of himself…  In need of an incident to create a false and preposterous equality, Cantor has determined not only that this unknown assailant was an aggrieved proponent of universal health care but that he or she has an exceptional grasp of trigonometry.

To which famed civil rights activist Terry Crowley would quickly add in correction, “An aggrieved anti-Semitic proponent of universal health care with an exceptional grasp of trigonometry.”

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About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official troubador of both Anaheim and Huntington Beach (the two ends of the Santa Ana Aquifer.) Performs regularly both solo, and with his savage-jazz quintet The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at vernpnelson@gmail.com, or 714-235-VERN.