Hot off the transom: Newt Gingrich endorses Van Tran!

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Fresh from the Orange Juice’s inbox:

Newt Gingrich Endorses Van Tran To Replace Ineffective Loretta Sanchez In Congress

(Santa Ana, CA) – Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich today issued an endorsement for Van Tran in his race for Congress in California’s 47th Congressional district.

“I am proud to support Van Tran for Congress,” said Speaker Gingrich. “Van Tran understands the power of free enterprise, intimidation, racial divisivness and building a ruthless local political machine that stifles all opposition, even if he has been slipping a bit of late.  Even down in Georgia we took note of Mr. Tran and paused in slack-jawed admiration when he managed to cash in sympathy for his ethnicity to wangle a bill through the legislature relaxing health standards for Vietnamese New Year’s Pastries, earning the allegiance of unscrupulous shopkeepers and restauranteurs all over Little Saigon.”

Added Gingrich with a cackle, “If my wife were as handy at insurance fraud as Van’s wife is, I probably would have at least waited for her to be out of her hospital bed before I served her divorce papers.  Oh – that’s wifey number one; not two or three,” he chortled, then cleared his throat and spewed green phelgm all over the floor by the podium.

“I am honored to receive Speaker Gingrich’s endorsement for my race against Loretta Sanchez,” said Assemblyman Van Tran.

“So many people have joined our effort to restrain reckless spending and to accelerate this great nation’s race to become a Third World country, but none in my lifetime have done more to further the cause of inequality and general decline and malaise than former Speaker Gingrich.  Why, his closing down of the US Government back in ’96 was one of the formative experiences of my youth, and I’ve endeavored for years to do the same thing in Sacramento… if only… more legislators had taken me … seriously.”  Here he broke down in sobs and had to be led unsteadily off the stage by a drunken Andy Quach.  Sadly if predictably, the duo slipped on Gingrich’s phlegm and cracked a coccyx.

Without missing a beat, Speaker Gingrich hopped back up to the podium. “My Japanese friend is far too modest – he may never have led the way, but as part of the just-say-no Republican contingent in Sacramento, he totally deserves at least SOME credit for helping to bring the Golden State to its knees!”  Then he turned and kicked the moaning Asians, “Ah, get up off the floor you disgusting crybabies, use your own bootstraps!”  And then he kicked them again.

A college professor, historian, author, and 1995 Time Magazine Person of the Year, Mr. Gingrich made history by being the first Speaker to be reprimanded by Congress for ethics violations and ordered to pay a $300,000 fine.  A recent Esquire interview with one of his ex-wives, among many other humiliating details, paints a picture of a man who, without blinking, can give speeches extolling compassion and “family values” en route to a rendezvous with yet another secret mistress.  Of President Barack Obama, Mr. Gingrich has memorably said, “We need a President, not an athlete.” Most recently he has been in the news nonstop with his strident opposition to the Park 51 Islamic Community Center, which he calls a “Ground Zero Mosque” and compares to Nazis putting up a sign near a Holocaust Museum – a remark which caused commentator Pat Buchanan to call him a “political opportunist” who is “just trying to go two steps further than Sarah Palin.” And Mr. Gingrich remains the most respected politician to seriously and repeatedly warn about American Muslims forcing us to live under Shari’a law.

Assemblyman Tran is humbled and honored to have such a great American’s endorsement, and wants Speaker Gingrich to know that his check to American Solutions Consulting is in the mail.