Spitzer’s Modest Proposal for the OC Homeless.

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Spitzer did put it slightly differently, in his op-ed to the LA Times, but a fair paraphrase a la Jonathan Swift might modestly reword his proposal:

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Orange County is not an exclusive club where only the wealthy can live. At least not yet. I’m Todd Spitzer, and I’ve been working to change that, and if I’m elected as District Attorney, will do what I can to kick out everyone but the wealthiest.

We have about a million Latinos who have problems just like everyone else in California: it’s probably best to kick out a good chunk of them.  Sanctuary? Bah. We need to be able to gouge those undocumented people so we can keep our lawns tidy and get a discount on our cleaning bills.  We don’t want them demanding raises.

We work hard to get others to do our work for us – do you know how much rent costs?  We’re overtaxed, so we need to give more money away to our largest businesses and their good friends to ensure our richest stay rich enough to charge those rents and finance their luxury cars, yachts, and vacations abroad.

We put a premium on our quality of life. Law and order are our priorities: that’s why we don’t tolerate dangerous street preachers who harass us and possibly look at knives in our public restaurants, which everybody knows is a death threat.  And we certainly don’t tolerate conspiracies by our district attorneys.  Or corruption among politicians.

We are not complacent about our problems, except when we re-elect them.  Repeatedly.

Maybe that’s why people want to live here, including a large homeless population.  They’re sometimes handy: you never know when you can use a child molester to stir up a crowd and look like a strong defender of the community. One must keep a few child molesters on call so they can be trotted out and displayed as bogeymen, otherwise the public thinks you’re not doing enough to protect them.  You ought to try it.

We in Orange County are neither heartless nor unaware of its homelessness problem. These “people” should all move to LA.  Or San Bernardino.  Or Riverside.  Because we have big hearts, and we feel bad.  And they stink sometimes.  Which is why we can’ t give them showers, or clean bathrooms.  Heptatitis? They can hold it until they get to LA.

Los Angeles County’s homeless population numbers well over 50,000; Orange County has about 5,000 homeless people.  We will gladly send some more your way once we raise the rents a bit more and clamp down on some undocumented immigrants.

We don’t accept homelessness as a way of life, because it’s actually a way of death in Orange County, our little way of disposing of undesirables.   Sometimes, we shoot our homeless people, but that gets messy.  Most of the time, we just leave them in their cars or tents, until they stink too badly and we have to dispose of their corpses, or until we find some district or town that lacks the political clout or failed to show the proper degree of loyalty – and then we dump them all on that community, until their leaders see the light and give us what we want, at which point, we dump them somewhere else.  It’s called discipline.

We’d rather house our homeless in prisons: that way, we can try to get Los Angelenos and those rich Silicon Valley types to pay a share of their housing costs.  We’d like you to pay their medical costs too.  But mostly, we’d like to send you a few more of them, or maybe, San Bernardino, or Riverside, or, well, why can’t you other people do your part and leave us alone?

Mayor Garcetti may look upon Orange County with disdain for our “NIMBY” stance, but there is a reason people want to live here.  One reason is because we keep trying to kick out THOSE people, or ship them off overseas…pretty much anywhere.  Our NIMBY stance is proof of our bravery and responsibility.  We will fight to prevent Orange County from becoming a replica of Los Angeles, and if I’m elected as DA, I’ll start by building a wall to keep Los Angeles out.  Except for any illegal immigrants you send us to work here, so long as they leave after they did their job, and never whine about minimum wage, or else I’ll have them deported.