California Has Most Awesomest Ballot Statements in the Universe

I just got my Voter Guide — and the Candidate Statements are Awesome.

They would be so proud!

Iowa and New Hampshire may have had the fun sorting through seventeen wacky presidential candidates, but California has got thirty–four Ssenatorial candidates and the most awesome ballot statements ever!

Mike Beitiks sets the tone with a clear message, a solid metaphor, and an unbreakable promise:

My platform is narrow. It’s more of a single board, really. Federal legislators are doing nothing to protect us from the threat of climate change. I will not do nothing.

Ling Ling Shi is even more to-the-point while pushing the awesomeness dial to eleven

Run for God’s Heart and America’s Freedom, challenge 10 giant chaos in economy and economy-related sectors.”

No one is going to beat Jason Hanania on brevity. His ballot statement is a single byte.

01100101.

Other candidates see the importance of taking a clear stand on the issues.  Herbert G. Peters wants to take the Democratic party back to its roots. Its real, genocidal roots.

Andrew Jackson Democrat. Our first 70 years; our county grew and flourished. We had no income tax. Motto: Manifest Destiny. Democrat Presidents; were most wise: Andrew Jackson balanced budget seven of eight years. Franklin Pierce vetoed a federal welfare bill. To reverse downward spiral of last II8 years: balance our budget, resist war, reduce costs, reduce taxes, repeal welfare and minimum wage so all can find jobs.

Tim Gildersleeve builds his platform on even more hallowed ground.

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I stand for the poor, elderly, and disabled, environmental issues, unions, small business, and represent the average citizen.

While Massie Munroe thinks our core problems have a more contemporary source.

…Through my national and international research and political activism, I identified “mind control slavery” by satellite energy technology weapons and social engineering programs that have been in continual development for the past 50 years…

Kamala Harris seems to be auditioning to be a Marvel Super Hero.

…I got things done for the People of California. I took on violent predators including transnational criminal organizations …

However, President Cristina Grappo has the mic drop of ballot statements:

My education & expertise merits this prolific occupation in order to represent California, as United Senator. I hold a Democratic Party platform with key issues for gun control, human trafficking, balancing the national deficit, and foreign policy initiatives. I am mainstream Facebook in social media! My core values drive America!

With choices like this for senator, our future can only get more awesome!

[ Hey Vern, could you help me get a poll inserted here? We need to vote on “Best Ballot Statment.” Thanks ]