Amazon Reviewers Go on Feeding Frenzy after ‘Open Carry’ Kids Book Released into Wild

This is hilarious.  Many of you may not like it, but that doesn’t change its hilariousness.

My Parents Open Carry

We’re a happy family, we’re a happy family, we’re a happy family, me, Mom, and Daddy.

Beefy geologist Brian Jeffs (as a Person of Beef myself, I’m allowed to say that) and his sidekick Nathan Nephew, co-founders of “Michigan Open Carry,” have come out with a 40-page illustrated children’s book called “My Parents Open Carry.”  (The lack of an apostrophe represents the absence of unconstitutional government regulation.)  As you can see from this excerpt from the cover — which, Messers Jeffs and Nephew, we can reproduce based on Fair Use principles that hold back the nanny state excesses of government tyranny that you hide behind! — it depicts the harrowing story of a man whose right hand turns into a gun and whose wife and daughter switch faces and blouses.

Perhaps driven by horror at the bad taste of presenting such a phantasmagorical freak show to unsuspecting li’l ones, Amazon reviewers have savaged the publication — it’s $90 for a paperback version, if you must — with about half of them giving it five stars rather than one start in order to cover their tracks.  This has been getting ample media attention over the past few days — and let it never be said that, when trying to fill space on a Sunday, OJB is unwilling to follow the crowd!

Some selections from selected reviews of this select publication:

“My Dark-Skinned Parents Open Carry. Or At Least They Did Until the Cops Shot them Fifty-Two Times.”
As these books go, this one was just OK.
But my favorite in the series by far is “My Parents Frack All Over the Place,” followed closely by “My Parents Roll Coal on Prius-Drivers,” “My Parents Clear Cut the National Forests,” “My Parents Remove the Mountaintops from Appalachia,” “My Parents Avoid Taxes through Corporate Inversions” and “My Parents Punch Somebody in the Face Because They Just Don’t Much Like his Face And He Shouldn’ta Brung It Here.”I’m really looking forward to reading “My Parents Tell Gay People They’re Going to Hell” and the just-announced “My Parents Scream at Refugee Kids.”
This is a book the explains to little children that guns don’t need to be feared. It sends the positive message that guns are our friends, that we should trust in guns. I can’t wait for the sequel: “My little brother accidentally blew his head off.”
Finally, a book for children that’s not afraid to say what every true American has always known: Mom and dad have a right to openly carry their weapons wherever they damn well please; parent-teacher conferences, pool parties, Chuck E. Cheese, you name it. A little known fact: In the first draft, the father’s character was named “Penis B. Powerful,” but the publisher felt it was too obvious, so they went with “Dick Strong” instead.  [N.b.: yes, the parents really are named “Richard ‘Dick’ Strong” and “Bea Strong.”]
A wonderful book! Family-oriented
I can only give the book one star, because it did not also decry the evils of birth control and women being allowed to drive. If not for that kind of sh*t, decent patriotic men like me might not need to shell out as much of our women’s hard-earned welfare money on guns.
The Book Teaches Gun Manners, Like “Make Sure the Safety is ON at the Dinner Table”
An excellent book, even better than “Why Our Family Doesn’t Wear Seat Belts”.
women made babies like poppin fresh biscuits and a good ol spray of …
From the dad’s hand and it’s closeness to his his anatomical closed carry/extension next to his good-guy, open-carry wand, to descriptive text of the plot that rivals Poe in it’s meticulous detail, there is something for everyone in this, hopefully, series of many books dealing with things parents carry. I remember the days of my father taking us for rides around the neighborhood in his restored M2 Bradley American infantry fighting vehicle, He was an ardent supporter of the open-armour/vehicular movement and this strikingly, handsome book creates a gentle tidal wave of enjoyable memories from the days children were disciplined with a firm hand, women made babies like poppin fresh biscuits and a good ol spray of Bactine would cure a severed arm. What a relevant time for a piece of literature such as this. One can’t even park a legally obtained M1 Abrams tank in front of a restaurant without getting a stare from concerned citizens. If our opponents only the came to the realization that we are the good guys trying to stop the communist aliens in human disguise that Obummer has transported from the Jupeterian Sulfur Mines, they would not make a mockery of this book as many of the godless, tofu loving, Prius driving liberals have done. Did you know these aliens have implanted micro-chips in our brains during sleep that force us to watch Lawrence O’donnell and Rachel Maddow? Imagine my chagrin when I awoke the other night to see this Maddow ranting about how we should give harlots birth control, only to find a copy of Marx’s Communist Manifesto place in my lap, but I digress. Go ahead Liberals, make fun of this helpful book. When Ebola hits your town because of the Mexican’s crossing the border, you will not be welcome in my underground bunker, full of baked beans and the entire duck dynasty Series on DVD.
Sure to shoot to the top of the best-seller list
My Parents Open Carry is a book destined for greatness.Sure, there have been several attempts at similar books in this genre, such as “My Parents Stockpile Ammo” and “My Parents Are Building a Fortress in their Basement for when the Government 9/11 False Flag Op is exposed and Obama comes to take us to the FEMA Death Camp”. But none of them truly capture the sheer delight that children can only get from “My Parents Open Carry”.‘My Parents Open Carry’ burst onto the market with several clicks and a bang back in February this year, and looks like it will shoot straight to the top of the bestseller list. Already, it is being compared with some of the great children’s titles such as “Stand Your Ground By Me”, Enid Blyton’s “Five Field-strip a Heckler & Koch G36” and of course J.K.Rowling’s magical Harry ShotHer series.However this title should not only top the young adult genre, but must also be compared to the great literary works as well. George Orwell’s “1,984 Snub-nose Rounds”, Tolstoy’s “War and More War”, “One Tried to Fly Over the Cuckoo’s Nest but I got the Little Bastard” and even Lindgren’s “Pippi Gunstock” come to mind.

Of course, My Parents Open Carry doesn’t deserve to be limited to the written word, and already there is talk of taking this title to the big screen in several varying forms. Casting has begun for Kaufman’s feature-length “Eternal Sunshine of the Second Amendment”, while Quentin Tarrantino is reported to be working on a short film spinoff “Kill Bill, Mary, Tammy, Tyrone, Tracey, Steven, Richard, Sue-May, Colin, Diane, Head Coach Dwayne, Several Cheerleaders and the Entire Maths Department”. Even Eastern cinema is looking for a piece of the action with “House of Flying Bullets” set to start filming in Shanghai next year, with Joan Chen starring as the daughter.

Broadway hasn’t been left out either. Next summer theater-goers will be able to take in versions of the story with performances of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang”, “Sniper on the Roof”, “High School Lockdown” and “Saturday Night Drive-by”

All in all, My Parents Open Carry is a true breath of fresh air in a children’s entertainment genre that has been sadly lacking in ammunition. 5 Stars! 

Enjoy spending the rest of your Sunday reading almost 300 more reviews, if that’s your thing!  And yes, OJB does know — and very much appreciates the fact — that the highly civilized state of California does not allow Open Carry, and hopefully it never will.

About Greg Diamond

Somewhat verbose attorney, semi-retired due to disability, residing in northwest Brea. Occasionally runs for office against bad people who would otherwise go unopposed. Got 45% of the vote against Bob Huff for State Senate in 2012; Josh Newman then won the seat in 2016. In 2014 became the first attorney to challenge OCDA Tony Rackauckas since 2002; Todd Spitzer then won that seat in 2018. Every time he's run against some rotten incumbent, the *next* person to challenge them wins! He's OK with that. Corrupt party hacks hate him. He's OK with that too. He does advise some local campaigns informally and (so far) without compensation. (If that last bit changes, he will declare the interest.)