Proposition Guide aka Why I Hate Mom’s Apple Pie

OK, guys, here’s how to really vote on this years Props. I am not choosing these positions as a prediction of actual outcomes, but do think there should be some competition among bloggers to see whose positions best match the outcomes to see who really represents The People.

Most ballot propositions follow the format of suggesting that a gabillion dollars be used or borrowed to subsidize the baking of more apple pies by moms, or that moms be required to bake more apple pie, or that judges be required to be nicer to moms who bake apples pies and impose longer sentences on people who interfere with moms baking apple pies. The arguments for talk about how nice mom’s apple pie is, and the arguments against talk about how this will only take away money that could be spent on cherry pie and anyway some people don’t like apple pie.

This year is more of the same.

No on 1: Would borrow $10 billion to make downpayment on flashy high speed rail that would never pencil out without heavy government dough.

No on 2: Because people matter more than animals.

No on 3: Would borrow $1 billion to give away to children hospitals so they can buy more apple pie for the worried moms. What else has to happen in this world before we realize that borrowed money isn’t free?

No on 4: Parental notice and waiting period make sense only if you consider minor pregnant women incapable of choice.

Yes on 5: Nonviolent drug offenses are not that big a deal and rehab is ultimately cheaper than prison, although neither one actually works.

No on 6: Would spend $1 billion a year on anti-gang programs so gang members can learn to stay home and eat their mom’s apple pie.

No on 7: Never mind the market, never mind actually analysis based on actual costs, never mind what the utility companies want to do, the real source of wisdom on exactly how much alternative energy is needed is you and me at the ballot box because we’re so much damn smarter and circumstances will never change and … oh, nevermind.

No on 8: So now the will of The People is thwarted by a pesky Constitution that wants to give equal rights even to homo’s, but if we vote no on 8 then there will be a new will of the people and no more conflict.

No on 9: Some feel-good restatements of how much victims need their mom’s apple pie attached to a lot of new red tape and procedural headaches for law enforcement types trying to do thier jobs. If we get to take a no-position pass, this is mine.

No on 10: Would borrow $5 billion to help mom’s car run on apple pie. How bad does a spend-government-green-to-go-green proposal have to be if it is even opposed by the Sierra Club?

Yes on 11: Gerrymandering by incumbents to preserve safe seats creates a party-ocracy where voters hardly ever get to make any meaningful choices in selecting a representative. Anything would be better, and the independent procedure in 11 seems reasonable.

No on 12: Would borrow $1 billion to help veteran’s buy apple pies for their moms — no, wait, I mean homes for their moms to bake apple pie in. Please see Prop 3.


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