Corollaries to the Larry Gilbert / Rosie Avila Gay Marriage Syllogism!

I have stood, for some time, awestruck, at the simple beauty and flawless logic of the syllogism Juice-Brother Larry Gilbert, and Prop. 8 spokeswoman Rosie Avila, have offered on behalf of their initiative:

Studies (or some studies anyway) show that “the ideal situation for a child is to be raised by a married mother and father.” Therefore, we should take away the right of same-sex couples to marry.

The formulation is even more elegant in Larry’s (or the GOP’s?) inimitable gringo Spanish: “…la situation [sic] ideal para los nonos [sic] es ser criados or [sic] un padre y una madre que esten casados. La proposition [sic] 8 es un positivo.”

Desirous of impressing my newfound Juice-Brother, and wanting everyone to know I did not sleep through my logic and rhetoric classes at Servite, I have composed a number of corollaries to this syllogism, which use identical logic.  Please feel free to suggest more in the comments section! – Your Humble Servant Phobius.

  1. The latest census clearly shows that Caucasians still enjoy the highest income, as a group, in the United States.  So, clearly, African-Americans should not be licensed to operate a motor vehicle without first demonstrating their facility in parallel-parking a Humvee.
  2. Since the dawn of time, DOGS have been known as “man’s best friend” due to their peerless loyalty and affection.  So what are we doing still sitting here on our hands at this late date, not having spayed, neutered, declawed, and microchipped all CATS?
  3. Our dear friends of the Jewish race are without peer in the realms of finance and entertainment law.  Taking that undisputed observation into consideration, does it not simply stand to reason that the voting age should be raised to at least 30 if not 35?
  4. Most of the great works of literature, music and art, not to mention achievements in science and governance, have been the work of men.  It seems to logically follow, then that women should be marked clearly, perhaps with a “W” tattoo on the forehead, before being allowed into polite company.
  5. Studies have consistently revealed that children who study music excel at mathematics.  This is why we consider it imperative that Venezuelan soccer coaches are prohibited from working in inner-city pre-schools.
  6. Athletes of proud African and aboriginal descent have glorious records of prowess at the javelin and long jump.  This is one of our considerations when we humbly submit that infants born of mixed-race parentage should be left on a hillside to die.

More, Juice denizens?

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