Explaining how she felt when John McCain offered her the Vice-Presidential spot, my Vice-Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, said something very profound: “I answered him ‘Yes’ because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can’t blink. So I didn’t blink then even when asked to run as his running mate.”
Isn’t that so true? I know that many times, in my life, while living it, someone would come up and, because of I had good readiness, in terms of how I was wired, when they asked that—whatever they asked—I would just not blink, because, knowing that, if I did blink, or even wink, that is weakness, therefore you can’t, you just don’t. You could, but no—you aren’t.
That is just how I am.
Do you know the difference between me and a Hockey Mom who has forgot her lipstick?
A dog collar.
Do you know the difference between me and a dog collar smeared with lipstick?
Not a damn thing.
We are essentially wired identical.
So, when Barack Obama says he will put some lipstick on my pig, I am, like, Are you calling me a pig? If so, thanks! Pigs are the most non-Élite of all barnyard animals. And also, if you put lipstick on my pig, do you know what the difference will be between that pig and a pit bull? I’ll tell you: a pit bull can easily kill a pig. And, as the pig dies, guess what the Hockey Mom is doing? Going to her car, putting on more lipstick, so that, upon returning, finding that pig dead, she once again looks identical to that pit bull, which, staying on mission, the two of them step over the dead pig, looking exactly like twins, except the pit bull is scratching his lower ass with one frantic leg, whereas the Hockey Mom is carrying an extra hockey stick in case Todd breaks his again. But both are going, like, Ha ha, where’s that dumb pig now? Dead, that’s who, and also: not a smidge of lipstick.
A lose-lose for the pig.
There’s a lesson in that, I think.
Who does that pig represent, and that collar, and that Hockey Mom, and that pit bull?
You figure it out. Then give me a call.
Seriously, give me a call.
Now, let us discuss the Élites. There are two kinds of folks: Élites and Regulars. Why people love Sarah Palin is, she is a Regular. That is also why they love me. She did not go to some Élite Ivy League college, which I also did not. Her and me, actually, did not go to the very same Ivy League school. Although she is younger than me, so therefore she didn’t go there slightly earlier than I didn’t go there. But, had I been younger, we possibly could have not graduated in the exact same class. That would have been fun. Sarah Palin is hot. Hot for a politician. Or someone you just see in a store. But, happily, I did not go to college at all, having not finished high school, due to I killed a man. But had I gone to college, trust me, it would not have been some Ivy League Élite-breeding factory but, rather, a community college in danger of losing its accreditation, built right on a fault zone, riddled with asbestos, and also, the crack-addicted professors are all dyslexic.
Sarah Palin was also the mayor of a very small town. To tell the truth, this is where my qualifications begin to outstrip even hers. I have never been the mayor of anything. I can’t even spell right. I had help with the above, but now— Murray, note to Murray: do not correct what follows. Lets shoe the people how I rilly spel Mooray and punshuate so thay can c how reglar I am, and ther 4 fit to leed the nashun, do to: not sum mistir fansy pans.
OK Mooray. Get corecting agin!
Thanks, Murray, you’re fabulous. Very good at what you do. Actually, Murray, come to think of it, you are so good, I suspect you are some kind of Élite. You are fired, Murray, as soon as this article is done. I’m going to hire someone Regular, who is not so excellent, and lives off the salt of the land and the fat of his brow and the sweat of his earth. Although I hope he’s not a screw-up.
I’m finding it hard to concentrate, as my eyes are killing me, due to I have not blinked since I started writing this. And, me being Regular, it takes a long time for me to write something this long.
Where was I? Ah, yes: I hate Élites. Which is why, whenever I am having brain surgery, or eye surgery, which is sometimes necessary due to all my non-blinking, I always hire some random Regular guy, with shaking hands if possible, who is also a drunk, scared of the sight of blood, and harbors a secret dislike for me.
Now, let’s talk about slogans. Ours is: Country First. Think about it. When you think of what should come first, what does? Us ourselves? No. That would be selfish. Our personal families? Selfish. God? God is good, I love Him, but, as our slogan suggests, no, sorry, God, You are not First. No, you don’t, Lord! How about: the common good of all mankind! Is that First? Don’t make me laugh with your weak blinking! No! Mercy is not First and wisdom is not First and love is super but way near the back, and ditto with patience and discernment and compassion and all that happy crap, they are all back behind Country, in the back of my S.U.V., which— Here is an example! Say I am about to run over a nun or orphan, or an orphan who grew up to become a nun—which I admire that, that is cool, good bootstrapping there, Sister—but then God or whomever goes, “It is My will that you hit that orphaned nun, do not ask Me why, don’t you dare, and I say unto thee, if you do not hit that nun, via a skillful swerve, your Country is going to suffer, and don’t ask Me how, specifically, as I have not decided that yet!” Well, I am going to do my best to get that nun in one felt swope, because, at the Convention, at which my Vice-Presidential candidate kicked mucho butt, what did the signs there say? Did they say “Orphaned Nuns First” and then there is a picture of a sad little nun with a hobo pack?
Not in my purview.
Sarah Palin knows a little something about God’s will, knowing God quite well, from their work together on that natural-gas pipeline, and what God wills is: Country First. And not just any country! There was a slight error on our signage. Other countries, such as that one they have in France, reading our slogan, if they can even read real words, might be all, like, “Hey, bonjour, they are saying we can put our country, France, first!” Non, non, non, France! What we are saying is, you’d better put our country first, you merde-heads, or soon there will be so much lipstick on your pit bulls it will make your berets spin!
In summary: Because my candidate, unlike your winking/blinking Vice-Presidential candidate, who, though, yes, he did run as the running mate when the one asking him to run did ask him to run, which that I admire, one thing he did not do, with his bare hands or otherwise, is, did he ever kill a moose? No, but ours did. And I would. Please bring a moose to me, over by me, and down that moose will go, and, if I had a kid, I would take a picture of me showing my kid that dead moose, going, like, Uh, sweetie, no, he is not resting, he is dead, due to I shot him, and now I am going to eat him, and so are you, oh yes you are, which is responsible, as God put this moose here for us to shoot and eat and take a photo of, although I did not, at that time, know why God did, but in years to come, God’s will was revealed, which is: Hey, that is a cool photo for hunters about to vote to see, plus what an honor for that moose, to be on the Internet.
How does the moose feel about it? Who knows? Probably not great. But do you know what the difference is between a dead moose with lipstick on and a dead moose without lipstick?
Lipstick.
Think about it.
Moose are, truth be told, Élites. They are big and fast and sort of rule the forest. Sarah took that one down a notch. Who’s Élite now, Bullwinkle?
Not Sarah.
She’s just Regular as heck.
LOL. Gotta hate those elites. Intelligence is sooooo overrated. Let’s just elect Presidents and VPs who would be good drinking buddies.
Vern,
I was looking for a little humor – so I read this article. I didn’t find anything that made me laugh – really.
I can handle and even enjoy funny stuff aimed at my candidates. This guy is not funny. He should stick to his day job of geophysical engineer. I am sure that he would be much better at that than this very lame attempt at humor.
Regards – junior
Vern, you’re drilling a dry well. Voters fear and loath excellence. They crave ordinariness; they desire the non-threatening. They elected Bush one and a half times. They lust for Sarah.
Vern, can I come over and share whatever you’re having? I’m thinking it might help me get on the same page. KIDDING! Seriously mental humor there bro. Hard to get on the same wavelength, and its one helluva big broadside for a barn. Oh well, love ya anyway. Its not like everything I write here falls on fertile ground either.
Actually I guess I need to contact George Saunders from the New Yorker to ask him what he’s having. The good news is you write much more creatively and intelligibly than he does. Start submitting your stuff to the NY Vern.
Vern,
Your Por-vine, true self is showing way too much in the last few weeks.
To all the Palin supporters…
The amount of denial you need to use to justify this person as a VP, and potential President, is really quite toxic to healthy living. Not to mention rational, objective analysis. You may need therapy before this is all over.
Juice-brother Carl, I believe you mean to say “porcine.” As in piggish.
(See: canine, feline, porcine, equine, bovine, etc. etc.)
“Your Por-vine, true self is showing way too much in the last few weeks.”
Carl – Vern is no doubt suffering from PDS.
Perhaps the message was: not so funny and repetitious, blathering out of both sides of the mouth, ignorant, willful, and redundant. Not unlike the target. It’s dark humor in a prom dress, is what it is.
Touche, Rintrah. To a Navy vet and Debbie Cook supporter who doesn’t need to have everything explained to him.
David Zenger Says:
“… Voters fear and loath excellence. They crave ordinariness; they desire the non-threatening… They lust for Sarah.”
David – What voters loath are elite infecund snobs such as yourself.
junior,
You really have that projection defense down to an art. Am I the only one who’s noticed that your acumen for personal attacks grows proportionately with your inability to come up with any valid arguments to support your points of view? Maybe you should consider therapy …
I’d be offended but I don’t know what “infecund” means. Apparently not all of them loathe big words.
Junior, when you defend your groupthink condemnation of thinking people please do it with words commonly used so as to not expose your hypocracy.
Well, I think fecund means like productive or fruitful. (Governor Palin and her clan, for example, ARE fecund, in spades.) Infecund must mean the opposite. Not sure why Junior would use that on Mr. Zenger, perhaps it was not the most FELICITOUS word choice.
Don’t be so rough on Junior guys. Sometimes he’s the only Republican here for me to argue with, and I do pick on him mercilessly. And then I see him at Screwdrivers. I am happy to at least have a sparring partner.
anonyms: “Infecund” means not fruitful or fertile; barren; unproductive.
You got me there anonyms – “infecund” is a word which I would not normally use. I did a Thesaurus check on “effete” and came across “infecund.” I didn’t think that “elite effete” had a good ring to it – so I chose “elite infecund.”
I couldn’t help myself, “infecund” seemed so appropriate to describe the comment of DZ – not fruitful or productive.
There you have it, the whole sordid tale in detail. I feel much better getting that off of my chest. Hey, at least we all now know the definition of the word “infecund.”
BTW – the meaning of the word “effete”:
ef·fete (e fēt′, i-) adjective
no longer capable of producing; spent and sterile
lacking vigor, force of character, moral stamina, etc.; decadent, soft, over refined, etc.
I see a lot of liberal leaning folks that seem to fail to understand how to research anything as small as a single word. Very interesting.
Perhaps there is a connection?
Carl, strike. I have the impression “anonyms” didn’t really care what infecund meant, but wanted to point out the irony of Junior using an obscure word while trashing elitists (which I’ll go ahead and admit, iit may have been an irony Junior intended.) Meanwhile I guessed the meaning of the word exactly, since I know the word “fecund.”
But STILL the word choice was mystifying to me, I would never have thought of “infecund” as any sort of synonym to “effete.” And that’s because I wasn’t aware that the THIRD definition of effete is infertile. It WAS a really bad choice of synonym on Junior’s part. Because when he or anyone calls liberals “effete” he is intending the first two definitions, “lacking vigor, force of character, moral stamina, etc.; decadent, soft, over refined, etc.”
I highly recommend to all of us: dictionary.reference.com. I have it bookmarked. And also useful but easy to abuse: thesaurus.reference.com. It was on these shoals that Junior crashed. With “infecund.”
Vern says: “It was on these shoals that Junior crashed. With “infecund.”
I didn’t notice any crash Vern bro.
Felicitously, I found the subsequent discourse to be an altogether elucidating, albeit somewhat acerbic, experience.
http://www.dictionary.com – sign up for the word of the day email.
altogether elucidating, albeit somewhat acerbic, experience.
Good words, bro. Now you are talking.
junior says: In case there was any doubt about the meaning of the word “infecund” – I present this prime and fresh example:
http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/09/18/columnists-labeling-palin-backers-white-trash-spurs-review-at-canadian-tv//