Pedroza is the worst. In his own mind a relentless Ahab but in the eyes of the world a rabid badger, he pursues grudgematches long-since meaning-drained to others, with a passion only matched by his canine devotion to whoever is his latest can-do-no-wrong heroine. These days, with his other recent idols shattered (and eager to vaunt his nonpartisan independence when he knows that all roads of logic and morality these days would lead him into the arms of the Democratic party) he busies himself tirelessly and without pay apologizing and covering up for every sin of his queen Janet Nguyen, from her ethical lapses to her disgusting pandering to the frothing anti-Communist fringe of the Viet community. Bets are being placed on what month – May, June – he will notice what a typical Republican scumbag she is and no longer be able to bring himself to carry her water, and bets are being taken on who his next flawless idol will be.
In an attempt (successful) to make himself appear sane and balanced he has brought on a co-blogger, Sarah Michele Spinosa, who shares with him an unquenchable resentment against the county’s one other half-reasonable blog. Arriving at the OJ with a trailer-truckful of personal issues, and calling herself “Purple Pagan Sarah” until the ridicule became unmanageable, she has tried to set herself up as some kind of “centrist” which apparently means exactly whatever she decides it means on that given day. I do know it includes her opinion that gay people should have no rights to get married just because she doesn’t particularly feel like being married herself, and claims to be gay, like David Bowie.
And those are my two friends, for Christ’s sake.
The right wing of this blog is ably flanked by caped crusader Thomas Gordon, whose single-minded fixation on Santa Ana’s graffiti has apparently finally caused his head to explode, judging by his last Wagnerian cri de couer. Fortunately he is able (in league with his fellow Republican Larry Gilbert when he’s not writing unreadable turgid tomes randomly bolded) to divert himself by posting funny-looking photos of the Democratic candidates, accompanied by such bombshell exposés as how OMG the Clintons have made a lot of money since Bill was President! (So, like John Edwards, they couldn’t possibly care about poor people.)
Larry, who likes to refer to himself in the third person like a pro wrestler, shares the geriatric ward of the blog with the weird, quaint Winships, whose Slacker-structured musings resemble the free-associative storytelling of your greatgrandfather, and provoke comparable headscratches and yawns. Now that the hopping bird that apparently used to perch on their “enter” key giving their ramblings a visual resemblance to bouquets of haiku has evidently shuffled off this mortal coil and joined the choirs invisible, their anecdote-rhapsodies have morphed into morasses which none can navigate. But not to worry, these four scriveners are balanced off handily on the left by Claudio and Luis, whose difficulty with spelling, grammar and punctuation seems to bely their claims to English as a first language.
Still, THIS place is better than the predictable partisan pep-squads known as the Red-Faced County and the Liberal OC. More fittingly called “Dem Apologist Central,” the latter blog has recently snatched up Sean “Look Ma, I’m a commissioner and I can shill all I want for my council buddies and Art can’t touch me” Mill. (By the way all you illiterate morons, the word is SHILL, when you write SHRILL as a noun you sound hell of STOOPID) Now we can all sit on the front porch and watch Art and Sean straining on their just-short-enough leashes as they spend all day attempting to maul each other but only succeed in spraying spittle across the local blogosphere.
Other great reasons to visit the Liberal OC would be to check out the latest amazing breaking story of how Bush hasn’t actually been a very good president, as breathlessly revealed by either the humorless Chris Prevatt or Dan “surname cannot be typed but only copied and pasted” Chmielewski; or little Andrew “Candide” Davey‘s latest wide-eyed exclamations followed by a happy face; or Heather‘s latest Norman-Rockwell watercolor of the domestic tranquility at the Pritchard homestead being unkindly ruffled by a dispatch from the troubled outside world in this morning’s Register; or Gila Jones … um… I’ll think of a way to insult Gila, just give me some more time.
But nothing can possibly be more tragically pathetic, in a laughing-hysterically-till-your-entire-torso-hurts sort of way, than the contortions our Republican partisan friends have to put themselves through daily to justify the murder, lying and thievery of these last seven years and how dearly they would love it all to continue. Getting into mocking the Snake Jubal and his cohort of petty thugs and chickenhawks is “too starved a subject for my sword” (Troilus and Cressida, I 1), but they do yeoman’s duty keeping this County the simian-wing-of-the-zoo that the rest of this great nation likes to gawk at.
And this is the menagerie of fat bastards, androgynous homunculi, and strident self-obsessed skanks with whom I’ve been condemned to share air.
Pure poetry man! Vern, you make this crap blog worth reading again!
But for the record, Sean Mill is a complete douchebag.
Hmmmm…. with friends like these…
Vern,
as breathlessly revealed by either Chris “abusing his county job” Prevatt
Unless you have some sort of evidence that I abuse my “county job” I would recommend that you refrain from making such claims.
What a joy to read.
I apologize for any mean or snarky posts, and I promise more of the same in the future. There’s an old saying ” If you can’t take the chaos, stay out of the blogosphere” [or something like that]. The reality is, for all their warts, both the Liberal OC and the Orange Juice! are fun and informative. So, put away your daggers, kids!
Vern.
Thanks for attending tonight’s forum on Prop 98/Prop 99 at Chapman Univ School of Law. Now I can connect a face to the text.
Hopefully you gained some insight into the wheeling and dealing by hired guns.
Nice to meet you too Juicebrother Larry, that was really educational, I’m still digesting it before I’m sure if I have anything worth writing about on this Eminent Domaain topic.
Prevatt! Sorry, we’ve met once or twice, but I really don’t know much about you and haven’t actually read much of your writing yet. That county job thing was just something that popped into my head from a couple years ago. If there is a better way to insult you, please let me know and I will replace that phrase happily. I mean, you don’t want to be left out of this roast do you?
Chris,
Lighten up! This post was obviously satire.
Maybe Vern should have just picked on your big ears?
P.S. Just kidding about the ears. Jeez!
Now, I know why Churchill elected to use only 500 words to write the history of England.
Vern used twice that amount, gravely misspelled too, and I wonder, still wonder, what he wanted to say.
Art-
Chris doesn’t get it. What else is new?
SMS
Got it Chris! “the humorless Chris Prevatt.” That’ll do until you suggest something better. Good day sir.
Vern, Art, et al,
I appreciate the attempt at lightheartedness, but I gotta agree with Chris…how is saying that someone abuses their county job either humor or satire?
Looks to me like you’re criticizing another blog writer–which you have every right to do. But can’t you just be honest and call it criticism instead of hiding behind words like “satire”? Jeez!
Vern,
I’m far from humorless I assure you. It’s just with some things they just don’t quite sit right with me.
My suggested wording…
Chris “Latte sipping, Umberg worshiping, partisan democratic hack” Prevatt
I truly enjoyed reading this post.
“More fittingly called “Dem Apologist Central,” the latter blog has recently snatched up Sean “Look Ma, I’m a commissioner and I can shill all I want for my council buddies and Art can’t touch me” Mill.”
Hey Vern,
First of all you don’t know anything about me so who are you to run your mouth?
And for the record I did not recently join the LibOC, I have been there for 4 months.
You want to attack me go ahead, but try and get the facts straight.
I don’t put much stock into what wing nuts that hold hunger strikes at Loretta Sanchez’s office anyway.
Sean,
Mellow out bro. Vern’s post was an OBVIOUS satire. Look at his first sentence, “Pedroza is the worst.” You don’t see me crying about THAT do you?
Tranquilo Sean.
Chris-
Satire about you is OK only if you get to word it? I’ll try to keep that in mind.
Sean-
It’s funny. When I mentioned Vern’s hunger strike on ‘The LBC,’ it became part of the reason I got chased off of your site. Do you have memory issues or selective reasoning?
SMS
OK,it’s that time again. Gather round, children, and hear the tale of the “Loretta hunger strikers.”
Granted Loretta had originally voted against the Authorization to Use Military Force in Iraq, but ever since the war started she had voted to fund it, partly on the false belief that not fundng the war would be “Not supporting the troops,” and also, as she admitted once, in consideration for a local defense contractor and the jobs they provide.
Well, some of my friends (I was always pretty much a bystander in all this) are members of Military Families Speak Out and Iraq Veterans Against the War. These groups decided, nationally, that the only thing Congress could do to help end the war would be to stop voting for funding.
And my friends – sometimes with me – met with and protested all the Orange County Congresscritters, but had the most hope for Loretta who’s obviously the most reasonable. Even she took some convincing, I think they met with her twice, and held a few protests outside her office to put a little more pressure on her and get more attention on the issue.
At one point last year they decided to have a “hunger strike”, which got a little press attention as a sort of “man-bites-dog” story — anti-war protesters outside the office of OC’s one Dem congressperson, who had voted against the war.
Claudio and Art caught wind of this, not knowing all the details, thought we were a bunch of nuts [I still hear WHY DON’T YOU GUYS PROTEST ROHRABACHER INSTEAD which pisses me off – we were Dana’s worst nightmare, why do you think he keeps his door locked now? oh right you wouldn’t know that, you’ve never been there.]
So like I was saying Claudio and Art thought it would be really funny to come and eat their lunch in front of some “hunger strikers.” Actually we hardly noticed until they wrote about it later. It was actually a “rolling hunger strike” (which I thought was pretty silly) where the protestors TOOK TURNS not eating for a day or so. Some of them were pretty hungry though! Well Art stayed around and talked to us, figured out we weren’t nuts after all, and he and I have been friends ever since. (And he has posted our antiwar events ever since then, which the SO-CALLED LIBERAL OC HAS NEVER DONE!)
Oh, I forgot to mention – THIS WHOLE THING WAS A GREAT SUCCESS! Loretta drove past us at one point, gave us the thumbs up, and thanked us for “everything we were doing.” And guess what, she stopped voting to fund the war and hasn’t done it since.
Do I really HAVE to wear this SUCCESS around my neck for the rest of my life? Well then, so be it. First I want to thank Sean for reminding everyone of all this, then I want to thank the Academy, my protestor friends, Loretta, and ALL OF YOU! YOU LOVE ME, YOU REALLY LOVE ME!!!
You guys keep using the word “satire”
Assuming what you wrote was satire, satire is using humor to point out a person’s stupidity or vices.
Now, do you REALLY expect people to “mellow out” after you satirize them? Get real. You don’t satirize people and then get to say ooops I was just being funny. That’s just plain childish.
Not so sweet memories ……