As the supervisorial election draws near, folks are wondering just what is happening inside the ranks of the heralded O.C. GOP machine. We’ll never know for sure, but I imagine it would go something like this:
(Scene: the Trung Nguyen world headquarters/cell phone store/video rental store/computer repair store)
Anonymous Trannie #1: (Leans over and whispers to his friend) Hey, isn’t that Lord Tran over there? (Points to a figure seated in front of a computer)
Anonymous Trannie #2: Yes. He is making phone calls to voters.
Anonymous Trannie #1: Let’s get closer and listen in.
Van Tran: Yes, this is your Assemblyman, Van Tran, calling. Have you voted yet? (Pause). No? Excellent. I would like to ask you to vote for my dear friend, Carlos Bustamante.
Anonymous Trannie #1: What!
Anonymous Trannie 2: (Whispers) Quiet! Haven’t you heard?
Anonymous Trannie #1: Heard what?
Anonymous Trannie #2: The machine has given up on Trung. Now we are supposed to be helping Bustamante.
Anonymous Trannie #1: That can’t be – he’s a Mexican!
Anonymous Trannie #2: Yes, that is true. But he is one of our Mexicans.
Anonymous Trannie #1: Oh. This could be a problem though.
Anonymous Trannie #2: What do you mean?
Anonymous Trannie #1: Well, we sent out the field teams this morning. They are collecting absentee ballots and “encouraging” voters to choose Trung.
Anonymous Trannie #2: Damn! Didn’t you guys get the email?
Anonymous Trannie #1: No. We were all busy defending Trung on the blogs last night. None of us had time to check our emails.
Anonymous Trannie #2: This is awful! Look, don’t even mention this to anyone. We could get in a lot of trouble. Just let things ride. It’s not like Bustamante or Trung have a chance anyway.
Anonymous Trannie #1: True. Hey, it looks like Lord Tran wants to talk to us.
Van Tran: Boys, I need to ask you to leave the room. I am going to go on a secret conference call.
Anonymous Trannie #1: No problem boss. We’ll go eat lunch.
Van Tran: Very well. There is a Del Taco around the corner. Try “Dan’s Deal,” it is only $2 and you get a burrito and two tacos.
Anonymous Trannie #2: Wow! That is a good deal! (He and his friend exit the room).
Van Tran: (Dials a number and puts his phone on speaker)
Operator: Please dial the conference number.
Van Tran: (Dials the number and waits for the prompt).
Operator: Please enter your password.
Van Tran: (Enters the password. Hears a distinct ring and then enters the conference call.)
John Lewis: Who’s that?
Van Tran: This is me, Van Tran. Is everyone in on the call?
John Lewis: Yes – let’s get started.
Mike Schroeder: John, I want you to know that Van has been calling folks now and asking them to vote for Carlos, just as we discussed.
John Lewis: Excellent! Shall I wire your “gift” to the usual account?
Mike Schroeder: You know it!
Van Tran: Mike, I will need my cut in cash.
Mike Schroeder: No problem Van. I’m way ahead of you. We’ll have the bags delivered to the van in Westminster, per our usual arrangement.
Van Tran: Yes! (Slams his hand down on his desk for emphasis).
John Lewis: OK – enough of that talk. Let’s hear from our troops. Kermit – how goes it in Westminster?
Kermit Marsh: We’re really kicking tail! I have called all the Republican voters twice and asked them to support Carlos. We also sent out a secret squad to remove all the Janet Nguyen signs. Trust me when I tell you this, they are toast!
John Lewis: Great! Tim, how are things in Santa Ana?
Tim Whitacre: Excellent boss. I have Alex “Swap Meet” Vega out in full force with his kids and parishioners. They are walking precincts like crazy!
Carlos Bustamante: Nobody works harder than Mexicans!
John Lewis: You got it!
Tim Whitacre: I have our pro-lifers out in full force too. They are putting fliers for Carlos on all the cars at dozens of churches tomorrow. By tomorrow night everyone will know that Umberg is the Planned Parenthood candidate.
John Lewis: Well done Tim.
Tim Whitacre: Yeah! Semper Fi!
Mike Schroeder: Tim, I’ll talk to Scott and make sure the lawsuit deal is put to bed.
Tim Whitacre: Thanks Mike! Maybe we can go to the Balboa Bay Club and have a smoke?
Mike Schroeder: Sounds good! I’ll call Tom Fuentes and see if he wants to come by.
Tim Whitacre: You’ll have to get him out of the jacuzzi first. (Starts singing “Tiny Bubbles”)
John Lewis: OK boys, that’s enough of that talk. What are we doing about Benny Diaz?
Jubal/Matt: No problem boss. We are calling him a commie on our blog.
John Lewis: That should take care of him!
Carlos Bustamante: What about Lupe Moreno? I know we took her off our endorsement page. Can we get rid of her this weekend? She is really hurting my ability to get Latino votes.
John Lewis: OK, let me get Jim Gilchrist on the phone. (Dials a number on his cell phone)
Jim Gilchrist: Hello?
John Lewis: Hi Jim, this is John Lewis calling. How are you?
Jim Gilchrist: I’m doing good. What’s up?
John Lewis: Listen, I need you to suspend your anti-Obama email campaign for a bit and do me a favor.
Jim Gilchrist: You got it! What’s up?
John Lewis: Listen, we need you to get rid of Lupe this weekend. Can you send her to the Mexican border?
Jim Gilchrist: Sure. No problem. Are we doing this under our usual arrangement?
John Lewis: Of course. I’ll wire a “gift” to your Swedish account this afternoon.
Jim Gilchrist: Great! I’ll call her right away. Maybe we can have her go protest those open tunnels.
Mike Schroeder: Good one! Make sure you call John and Ken – they’ll want to cover this story for sure!
Van Tran: Yeah, good idea.
John Lewis: OK guys, I think we have all our bases covered. I think we need some more money. Let me get Dale Dykema on the phone. (Dials a number on his cell phone)
Dale Dykema: Hello?
John Lewis: Dale, this is John Lewis. Listen, we need some more Lincoln Club money. Now that Tran is playing ball, we want to buy some radio ads for Carlos, to put on the Vietnamese stations.
Dale Dykema: You got it! Shall I wire the usual account?
John Lewis: Definitely. Thanks Dale. (Hangs up).
Van Tran: Hang on John, how are we going to ask my people to vote for a Mexican?
John Lewis: Tell them that Janet is some kind of rabid Lesbian and she eats babies. Tell them that Carlos might be a Mexican, but he speaks good English and he has fire in the belly.
Van Tran: Fire in the belly! (Screams/groans like in the Bud commercial)
Mike Schroeder: Fire in the belly! (Makes loud strange noises too)
Tim Whitacre: Semper Fi! (Tries to groan but ends up burping up some of his lunch)
Carlos Bustamante: I’m numero uno! (Voice breaks as he gets too excited)
John Lewis: OK Carlos, can it with the Spanish. We’re almost in the clear and now we have to make sure the Viet voters will go with you. No more Espanol, got it?
Carlos Bustamante: No problemo mi’ hefe! (Everyone hangs up and goes about their business)
(Scene: Anonymous Trannies #1 and 2 are playing pool at a bar in Garden Grove)
Anonymous Trannie #1: Hey, turn up the radio. (Points to radio).
Anonymous Trannie #2: No sweat
. (Turns up radio)
(The radio blurts out something in Vietnamese – and then the name Carlos Bustamante pops up).
Anonymous Trannie #1: What the Hell?
Anonymous Trannie #2: Oh man, they’re running ads for Carlos now on our radio stations!
Anonymous Trannie #1: Great Buddha’s ghost! They sure don’t waste time!
Anonymous Trannie #2: No they don’t. (Takes a deep drag of his cigarette)
Anonymous Trannie #1: Man, I hope Janet loses. If she wins, we’re finished.
Anonymous Trannie #2: Maybe we need to send in Mark Leyes…
(Scene: The stately Leyes Manor)
Mark Leyes: (turns to his wife) I feel a disturbance in the force! (Phone rings and he picks it up)
Mark Leyes: Hello?
John Lewis: Mark, this is John Lewis. Listen, our intel indicates that Janet is going to be at the Azteca Restaurant tonight. We have all our plans in place. Tran is on board now and we are running ads on the Vietnamese stations. But just in case, we need you to pay her a visit…
Mark Leyes: You got it boss!
(Scene: Hours later, Mark Leyes stumbles into the Azteca Restaurant and sees Janet with her entourage)
Mark Leyes: Janet, get in my belly! (points at Janet)
Janet Nguyen: Oh no, not again…
The end? We’ll have to wait until Tuesday!
This might seem like comedy, but I did get a call from Van Tran telling me to vote for Carlos Bustamante. I thought he was behind Trung. What gives?
Poster 1: The best satire has an element of truth in it…I will leave it to my readers to discern what that is.
could it be that they are collecting ballots. I heard the evidence on AM 1190 last night. Also I heard George Urch has the proof.
Any other Viet Readers listen to AM 1190 last night about Trung collecting the ballots
HAHAHA, I love the Austin Powers reference!
Mark Leyes as Fat Bastard… priceless.
I hope Mr. Urch has the evidence. He needs a job and Umberg needs to retire his campaign debt. Hand it over, George!
Thank you very much Art!! Now we have confirmation that you are a true 100% RINO (Republican In Name Only). You rip Bustamante, you rip Republican leadership, you rip patriotic citizens like Lupe Moreno, you rip volunteers who want to improve security on our border.
Just because a Democrat nominated you to a city commision position doesnt mean you should actively search out any Republican you can and throw them under the bus. Is your middle name Nativo? For the sake of honesty, and in order to protect your legitimacy, just end the ever-increasingly funny charade and put the big fat ugly “D” after your name.
Poll worker’s last minute reminders.
Poster 7,
Go Bears!
P.S. Lighten up. It’s OK to laugh at our politicians once in awhile.
Art,
I learned an important lesson from your last satirical post. Now, I put down the coffee cup and swallow BEFORE I start reading!
This one is another “dead on” creation. While some of it is certainly far out, as it was meant to be, a lot of it isn’t, and you have been around long enough to know that. I don’t consider this a “rip” on anyone or either Party.
For poster #7, and anyone else thinking about ripping Art and getting your knickers in a knot, it’s nothing different than the silliness that actually goes on behind closed doors when candidates, senior staff and campaign managers get really over tired and start playing “what if”. It’s just a silly game meant to let off steam and have a few laughs. So lighten up on Art.
Another good job Art. Thanks.
Morning Coffee
Morning Coffee,
Thanks! Satire is something I have only recently discovered. I enjoy writing these kinds of posts and giving everyone a bit of levity amidst the endless stream of political news and commentary.
John Lewis: Thanks Dave for tanking Janet Nguyen’s campaign. We will do everything possible to help you with Jeff Miller.
Dave Gillaird: Thanks John. Don’t forget the dozen donuts you promised as a bonus.
Does Art rip Bustamante, Republican leadership, Lupe Moreno, the Minutemen, Silva, and any other Republican he can get his hands on?
Yes. Every single day.
Somebody points this out to him, and instead of explaining why he can wake up every morning and call himself a Republican……..before BLASTING any Republican in sight, his only reply is: Lighten up.
Two word reply. Outstanding effort, Art.
Lighten up? Your hate & vitriol directed towards Bustamante is borderline obsessive. You salivate so much at the thought of destroying this man that your neighborhood is at risk of flood.
Have you ever considered changing the name of this blog to: “Orange County Democratic Party Daily Talking Points”?
Poster 13,
The Democrats don’t need my help – not with the cast of cartoon characters running my party. Spoofing them is indeed beyond easy.
However, there are a few Republicans I do respect. I supported those that ran, last year. I am talking about people like Mike McGill, for example.
Overall however, our party is not doing a good job at all in Orange County. At this rate we will be a blue county in a few more years – mark my words.