After Years of Straining & Grunting, Chapman’s John Eastman just POPS RIGHT OUT!


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Pity the Madonna of Central OC private Colleges, Chapman University! For what seemed like decades she’d been sitting there in pain, leaning forward, elbows on knees, chin in clenched hands, eyes squinted shut, straining and straining every muscle to expel this foul “professor.”  But finally last night – and all of a sudden – John Eastman has just POPPED RIGHT OUT“retired.”

It was with last year’s Kamala Harris Birther piece that it became really impossible to ignore or stomach Professor Eastman, somewhat like a turtlehead appearing.  This was when he took his pinched reading of the 14th amendment’s citizenship clause into the Presidential arena: 

That amendment grants “birthright citizenship” to anyone “born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof.”   But in the reading of John and his fellow immigrant haters, even though Kamala was born in Oakland, her parents were not US citizens and SOMEHOW therefore Baby Kamala was NOT born “subject to US jurisdiction.”  And hence, she is neither a natural-born citizen nor eligible to run for Vice President.   Cries from across Chapman’s campus began to ring out, calling for at least a “courtesy flush.”

But this turtlehead was years in the making – John and his smaller followers had been fashioning and peddling his malodorous constitutional theories for at least a decade or two.   When a legal or constitutional “interpretation” is jarringly novel and unaccepted, it’s because there’s a motivation driving it – and that motivation is the GREAT DREAM of STRIPPING CITIZENSHIP from 5 to 6 million Americans who were born here.  (Hence my inability to describe this man in terms other than fecal.) 

Other conclusions John drew from his fearless but fetid musings:  The Federal judiciary had no right to declare California’s racist Prop 187 unconstitutional so it is STILL IN EFFECT; nor did the Feds have any right to interfere with our overcrowded inhumane prison system, or protect our Endangered Species either!

As I wrote in “Vern’s Report From the Tea Party” ten years ago (while John was running for California AG, a race he would lose to the guy who lost to Kamala),

“Apparently these Tea Parties always feature several “Constitutional experts” …  This particular event must have had close to a dozen “Constitutional experts” speaking.  Constitutional expertise is evidently a highly prized commodity in the Teabag world, since Teabaggers’ love-hate relationship with the founding document – which seems to stand in the way of a lot of what they want to do – puts them in constant need of new interpretations of it.

I remembered that when I saw this Jan 6 DC insurrection video, in which the madcap Giulani introduces John as “one of the pre-eminent Constitutional scholars of the United States” (to no laughter), who would declare everything they were about to do legal!  (John’s madness starts around the six-minute mark.)

My what manic energy Eastman evinces, for such a dopey-looking, dandy-dressing bloke.  He’d been advising and lawyering Trump for a while, the kind of advising and lawyering you don’t wish on your worst enemy.  He’d been insisting to a skeptical Vice President Pence that Pence had the authority and duty to overturn any electoral results he didn’t like that day.  And in this video he rattles on about his fanciful theory of what had turned the previous night’s Georgia election around – some “secret folders” inside the voting machines which on cue could produce beaucoup Democratic votes!  Enraged by this dark vision, the mob famously went forth to mayhem.

THIS TIME the embarrassment John Eastman had brought to Chapman was really too much, and Wylie Aitken, Loretta Sanchez, and 167 other Chapman faculty and trustees penned a Jan. 9 cri-de-couer in the TimesChapman must shit or get off the pot!  Representing, for a few tense days, the “get off the pot” position of academic freedom, Chapman President Danielle Struppa stood by her man, until finally just last night, Eastman plopped out into lonesome, splashing freedom!.

In true character, though, John just could not leave without spreading a stink:  

“Late Wednesday, Eastman sent a two-page statement about his departure from Chapman. In it, he repeated claims of voter fraud that he made to the U.S. Supreme Court as Trump’s lawyer, in a case the court refused to take up. He also praised Struppa for defending his academic freedom, but slammed most of the rest of Chapman’s faculty, who he says have made “defamatory statements” about him and signed a petition calling for his removal from the school.

“’These 169 have created such a hostile environment for me that I no longer wish to be a member of the Chapman faculty, and am therefore retiring from my position, effective immediately.’ He said that when his role at the University of Colorado Boulder ends he will direct the Center for Constitutional Jurisprudence at Claremont Institute.”

LMAO, “Center for Constitutional Jurisprudence!” We wish this POS a long obscure retirement.


About Vern Nelson

Greatest pianist/composer in Orange County, and official troubador of both Anaheim and Huntington Beach (the two ends of the Santa Ana Aquifer.) Performs regularly both solo, and with his savage-jazz quintet The Vern Nelson Problem. Reach at vernpnelson@gmail.com, or 714-235-VERN.