*Sometimes, you get so tired of Hamilton Burger interrogating witnesses that you could just scream. You keep waiting for Perry Mason to quickly come up with the answer to what mystery is at hand. We take this opportunity on Friday the 13th, 2014 to do our own Perry Mason take of U.S. problems. They will all be fantasy answers and probably will never happen. Yet, as they used to say: “But it would be beautiful!”
Let’s start with National Politics! (1) The Tea Party will replace every Republican lawmaker with someone that may or may not have graduated from high school and refuses to run for more than two terms. They promise never to take any money from Big Phrama, Big Chema, Big Agra, Big Insurance, Big Companies or accept any campaign contributions over $25 bucks. (2) The Congress passes a comprehensive Immigration Bill. It has no limits and lets everyone in, but makes them pay to become instant citizens immediately – or they will be imprisoned for five years in concentration camps! They have five years of monthly payments to pay the fees and fines. (3) The Congress agrees to fix Obama Care and no one has a deductible of over $1000 dollars a year. All Co-pays never exceed $25 dollars for the next five years. (4) The Congress decides to totally re-structure the VA and build 1000’s of small hospice locations for veterans that earn less than $35,000 a year….including their retirements. (5) The Supreme Court overturns the Citizens United Case and determines that a Corporation is not covered under freedom of expression and can only give to causes which are 100% non-political and are non-profits. (6) The Congress determines in its wisdom the the 2nd Amendment is protected for all Americans, but may be mitigated by those with Mental Health Problems, determined either by a court determination or by a least three social-service organizations. (7) The Congress will require that all International Companies and Organizations are liable for all taxes of profits and for any off-shore accounts. Failure to disclose those accounts would require the DOJ file charges and fines which exceed the assessed value of the entire corporation. (8) Bowe Bergdahl will be allowed to go home with a General Discharge and loss of some of pension and Army benefits. (9) Donald and Rochell Sterling will be run out of town on a rail, tar and feather their limo and never allowed at another sporting event in the United States. The NBA will purchase the LA Clippers for $1 dollar and re-sell them to someone for $2 Billion dollars. The Sterling’s will spend the rest of their lives in court and never covered by any news organizations. (10) Homelessness will be outlawed by a Congressional Law, forcing states, counties and cities to put homeless in shelters or private housing – if they are without funds. If they have funds, they go jail.
The next step of course is the International scene: (1) Vlad Putin will strip to waste and ride a white horse into the Ukraine, trailed by 100 Russian tanks. Four cruise missles will land on the tanks and the Hunter Games Survivor – Jennifer Lawrence will meet Putin for the whole of East Ukraine. (2) Islamic Terrorist will take over Iraq, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Mali, Sudan, Egypt and Libya……they will honor kill all their women and live happily ever after. (3) The Eurporean Union will prove conclusively that all GMO’s and chemicals in our food are deadly. (4) All news will be from International sources. (5) Undercover agents will prove that FIFA Soccer is fixed, along with all major sports. (6) All animals of the world will be protected as endangered species. (7) Climate Change will require that all automobiles and trucks manufactured in the world: utilize double turbo hybrid turbine power which provides 150 MPG fuel efficiency. Every vehicle with a 10 year non-deductible manufacturers warranty.
We realize that each of these problems are nothing more than an opportunity to create another “Cottage Industry”. We realize that the Congress is just a bunch of bad actors that can’t lie fast enough to get that next campaign check or make a payoff from someone. That is what we call politics. It is a very dirty business and anyone that thinks not should be doing some serious historical research. All in all, this is Friday the 13th and there is a Father’s Day Sale at Ace Hardware. Think today you get $10 bucks off a purchase of $40 dollars. Sometimes, we just have to get off our one burning point or other issue and look at all the world’s problems and wonder why nothing seems to ever get fixed. Hey, we broke the DNA Code many years back, why have we not found cures to all of the world’s ills and why can’t they release the fantastic break-throughs until 2035 or later? Yes, lot’s of questions on Father’s Day. Lot’s of questions to ask Dad. Hey, we are all supposed to live to 92 or beyond – just ask Jimmy Carter or Geroge H.W. Bush. Both a couple sky divers..ya know? Carter falls off ladders, Bush out of light airplanes with some black guy on his back. Well, “whatever works your whistle”…….as our Granpop said!
Many can disagree of course on these issues and offer their own ideas but that might take a little effort; so here is our Cornucopia of answers to the world’s problems…. for your review!