On Wednesday night, Fox News Host Megyn Kelly tried to deceive children into believing that Santa Claus — a fictionalized version of the Greco-Turkish St. Nicholas — was a rosy-cheeked white man. She also stated that 1st-Century Mediterranean Jew Jesus of Nazareth was also of white Northern European appearance — something unusual enough in that time and place to have certainly merited comment in the Gospels.
Kelly stated, in criticizing an article by Slate‘s Aisha Harris complaining of childhood confusion because the Santa in her home was Black while those in public malls were white:
“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white,” Kelly said. “But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But Santa is what he is.”
“Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change, you know?” she added. “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa — I just want the kids watching to know that.”
Kelly herself has garnered criticism for, among other things, arguing that Santa was a historical figure. Mostly, though, it is her slapping the black (or brown, where applicable) off of Santa that has been the topic of debate and consternation — and probably little children of color crying endlessly, mostly because they were for some awful reason forced to watch Fox News.
The Orange Juice Blog now feels compelled to reveal that Kelly is simply trying — in the manner of prominent closeted homosexual men and women everywhere trying to prove their straight bona fides by being the loudest voices to condemn homosexuality — to hide from viewers the fact that she herself is Black.
Kelly, who is the daughter of DeForrest Kelly (who starred as Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy on the original Star Trek) and Meghan Calhoun (a niece of the famous singer and actress Lena Horne), is African-American on her mother’s side, as is her older half-sister, actress and former Miss American Vanessa L. Williams, Fox News has taken extraordinary steps over the years — blonde wigs and special creamy-colored high-powered studio lights that leave noticeable blisters if exposure exceeds more then twenty minutes straight — to give Kelly a Nordic look. But it’s all a sham. In light of her telling Black, Latino, Asian, and other children that their versions of Santa Claus (and often of Jesus, for that matter) are clearly wrong, the Orange Juice Blog feels compelled to spill this secret.
So: for all you kids reading at home, Megyn Kelly just is black. Fox News says that maybe we should also have a white Megyn Kelly. But Megyn Kelly is what she is. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change, you know? I mean, Carol Channing was a Black woman too. She was a historical figure — that’s a verifiable fact — as is Megyn Kelly. I just want the kids reading to know that.
And if this history of Megyn Kelly sounds like it’s mostly made-up fiction — except for the part about Carol Channing, which is true — well, so is Santa Claus. And anyone (and their parents) can write that fiction to serve their own family and cultural tradition in whatever way they wish.