Orange County’s “Alt”-Weekly Builds Spirit and Arms Itself with New Witticisms


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I’ve tried without real success to convey to people living pretty much anywhere else in the country other than here what it’s like to live in a county with a population the size of Iowa where instead of an Alt-Weekly we have a Galt-Weekly.  Maybe this will help out.  Here’s a poll that was offered on yesterday’s OC Weekly’s Facebook feed.

Give us your OC city negative nicknames. For instance, Anaheim becomes Anacrime, Leisure World is—of course—Seizure World, and La Habra is the best of them all: Guadalahabra! Your turn!

Some may question the wisdom of tossing this sort of chum out to readers, but most of those people aren’t on the staff of our brave local free weekly.  (Some might be, though.  Not unlikely.)  How can we get a sense of the success of this effort?  There’s no better way than looking at all of the results in concentrated form.  Luckily, I had to spend about 90 minutes on hold, so I had nothing but free time.

Reader replies were update through 11:00 a.m. Tuesday March 19.  They are presented in aggregate, grouped by city, followed by some … other things.  Each “+” represents each additional person repeating that entry.  Names of commenters are omitted out of mercy; where not omitted, no mercy was shown.

Belinda Carlisle

No, YOU’RE Belinda! (Note: this choice of graphic was soooooo much better than the alternatives.)

CITIES IN ORANGE COUNTY (PER INSTRUCTIONS, BUT INCLUDING UNINCORPORATED AREAS THAT ARE ”CENSUS-DESIGNATED PLACES”):

Anaheim: Banaheim.  Anaslime ++++++.  Smellaheim.  Klanaheim.  Comptaheim. Wabaheim.  Anacrime.  Satanaheim.  Cacaheim.

Aliso Viejo:  A lease ho vie ho.  Aliso Potato.

Buena Park:  Beaner Park.

Costa MesaCosta Mexico +++++.  Closta Mexico.  Costa Misery +++.  Costa Messy.  Coastal Misery.  Costa Messup.

Cypress:  Cypriss.  [Ed. note: Really?  Why even bother?]

Foothill Ranch:  Athlete’s Foothill Ranch.  Footupyourass Ranch

Fullerton:  Fullashit.  Fullerfun.  Killertown.  Fully hurtn’.  Fu-las.  Huntington Beach North.  Fullerscum.

Garden GroveGarbage Grove ++++++++++++.

Huntington Beach: Hey Bro.  HunKKKington Beach.  Slutington Bitch.  Huntingniggas Beach.  [Ed. Note: Oh, heck.  I guess we can name some of the contributors -- such as, Rj St Thomas, who submitted that last one.]

Irvine:  Irwine.  Hairvine.  Swervine.  Irvana.  Asirvine.  Pervine.

Ladera Ranch:  ”Le Derrière” Ranch.

Laguna Beach:  Faguna Beach.

Laguna Hills: Laguna Kills

La Habra:  La Slobra.  La Habra Espanol.

Laguna Woods Looney Gooney Hood.

Lake Forest:  Fake Forest.

Los Alamitos: Lost All Of Me Toes.

Mission Viejo:  Missionary in a ho.  Mission Pendejo.  Mission Guero.  Mission Potato +.  Mission Bendejo.

Newport Beach:  Slueport.  Jewport Beach.  Newport Bitch.  Pooport Beach.

Orange:  Clockwork Orange.

Placentia: Placenta.  Poorba Linda.

Rancho Santa Margarita:  Rancho Santa Margaritaville.

San Clemente Sand Clams & Tea

San Juan Capistrano:  Skank Juan Crap-Piss-Strainer.

Santa Ana: Santa Chuntana.  Stabbana.  Chuntana.  Staba Ana.  Santa Bandana.

Seal Beach: Squeal Beach.

Tustin:  Bustin +.  Rustin’ Tustin.  Crustin.

Westminster:  Ho Chi Minhster.  Wasteminster.  Wasted Minister.  Shitminster.  Worstminster +.  Wet min i ter.  Methminister.  Gookminster.

Villa Park:  Pancho Villa Park.  Vanilla Park.

Yorba Linda:  You’re Belinda.

 

NOT, STRICTLY SPEAKING, “NEGATIVE”:

CostaMazing +.  Santana.

 

NOT, STRICTLY SPEAKING, “A CITY (OR CENSUS DESIGNATED PLACE)”:

Balboa Fun Zone:  Balboa Scum Zone.

Fashion Island: Fascist Island +.

Leisure World:  Seizure World+.  Geezer World.  Limpdickville.

The Spectrum:  The Rectum.

 

NOT, STRICTLY SPEAKING, “IN ORANGE COUNTY”:

Norwalk: Norwhack

La Mirada: La Mierda.

Long BeachWrong Beach.  Schlong Beach.

 

NOT, STRICTLY SPEAKING, WORTH THE TIME TO UNPACK AND INCLUDE ALL OF THESE IN THE ABOVE, BUT IF YOU WANT TO DO SO, HAVE AT IT:

  • Hanse Shadowspawn Santa Banana, Garbage Gulch, Anal-slime and the Tragic Kingdom, Seizure World, Joto de Caza, Steal Beach, Cuntington Beach, Stankton, Chesterminster, Galblowya Peninsula, Faguna, Gayna Point…
  • Tabitha Bonaventure Anaslime, Lost Angeles, Shclong Beach, Garbage Grove, Santana Ana, Riceminister, Fullerschlong, Phelan High, Cor-hoe-na, Borange, NoBueno Park, Riverslide, La Palm-ass, Lake Whorest, Placenta, Steal Beach, and San Juan Cap-Your-Bong-o….

 

COMMENT LEFT BY OC WEEKLY ITSELF, TWO HOURS INTO THE PROCESS OF COLLECTING ANSWERS, INCLUDING AFTER THE ABOVE PAIR WERE POSTED:

KEEP IT UP, PEOPLE!

 

GEOGRAPHICAL REFERENCE UNSURE:

Tus nalgas.

Bunch of white people who voted for Romney and support Arizona -county.

 

COMMENTS BY APPARENT CRITICS OF THE ENTIRE EXERCISE:

Half of these sound made up. It’s not funny if you have to reach for it

Oh Sí Weakly

Time again for another episode of “Let’s Make Fun of People Who Aren’t Like Us”—a copyrighted feature of the OC Weakly.

TENTATIVE CONCLUSIONS:

(1) We’re not going to get into any really heavy statistical analysis here, but: Garden Grove, you might as well just accept it.

(2) Much more consensus on the name for Anaheim than expected.

(3) Much less consensus on the name for Westminster than expected.

(4) The two leading Costa Mesa names will proceed to a runoff.

(5) “Fake Forest” and “Vanilla Park” are actually pretty clever.

(6) Placentia … Placenta.  Placentia … Placenta.  Ha-ha!  We get it!!

(7)  ”Nalgas” are buttocks.

(8) We may safely conclude from these answers that we live in a post-racist, post-sexist, post-heterosexist world and there is no further need for government intervention to protect civil rights.

(9) Orange County is now united in civic bonds of fun and mutual respect.  We are a witty county and not at all one saturated in bigotry.  Thanks, OC Weekly and the enduring spirit of the Village Voice, for the opportunity to shine!

(10) We’ll be watching for inclusion of these witticisms in future editions of the Weekly.  (Meanwhile, if you wonder how other alt-weeklies operate, read it … and weep.)


About Greg Diamond

Worker's rights attorney now moving into "good governance" litigation. North Vice Chair of Democratic Party of Orange County and occasional candidate. Proud to be prolix. Unless otherwise specifically stated, his writings never speak for the Democratic Party at the local, county, state, national, or galactic level. He tries to either suppress or openly acknowledge his partisan, issue, ideological, and "good government" biases in most of his writing here. If you have a question about any particular writing, just ask him about it and (unless you are an pseudonymous troll) he will probably answer you at painful length. He lives in Brea but generally doesn't blog about it. A family member works as a campaign treasurer for Wendy Gabriella in AD-73; he doesn't directly profit from that relatively small compensation and it doesn't affect his coverage. He does advise some campaigns informally and without compensation, although in 2014 he may receive some compensation for campaign consulting and fundraising for the campaign of Jorge Lopez for Orange County Assessor.