The wood is lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
Miles to go before I sleep.
Keeping my promises to Matt Munson, Allan Bartlett, and Orange Juice readers in general, I’m off to the registrar of voters in Santa Ana to change my registration to Republican. It’s Monday May 21, the very last moment I can change parties to vote for Dr. Ron Paul in the Presidential primaries.
I know, I know all the reasons my liberal friends tell me not to do this. No, I don’t want Ron Paul to be President, and he’s obviously not going to be. What I do want is to help legitimize Dr. Paul’s anti-war, pro-liberty message, in at least one of the two big Parties. I want the Republican Party to be more like Ron Paul – that’s a partner we Democrats could work with. And I want to give an honest, consistent guy a leg up against a hyper-funded, sadistic, lying weasel named Willard Mitt Romney.
But poking a stick in Romney’s eye is certainly not the main point. No, the time to punk the GOP comes when we vote in the Senatorial race, and we don’t have to change parties to do that:
[NOTE 7/2022: Here lay an Orly Taitz for Senate 2012 video, which has now vanished.]
*****************
3:31 pm. I’m filling out the paperwork as if in a daze, nervous worries roiling my mind. What all could go wrong with me, during two weeks of being a Republican?
What if I start to lose my sense of empathy? What if I start viewing everything in the world in terms of its financial cost or benefit? What if I become a selfish lover, concerned only with my own pleasure?
What if I LIKE being a Republican?
No, don’t be silly, I tell myself. It’s only two weeks, until the primary’s over and the votes are counted. And I will remain under medical observation.
*
3:45 pm. Well, that was pretty quick and easy, and just in time for the bus back home.
I look around at the other riders. I feel superior to all these poor uneducated people, white and dark. And yet … somehow I no longer feel guilty about that.
Or am I just imagining not feeling guilty?
I need a drink.
*
3:56 pm. We pass a rare undeveloped patch of land, a few acres of open space. It always lifted my spirits to see that in Orange County. But today I find myself picturing a strip mall or condos on it. Who owns this? Isn’t this property a big resource being wasted? They can always plant a nice pretty lawn in front.
I can’t believe I just wrote that.
*
4:06 pm. Now we’re passing Mile Square Park in Fountain Valley. When I was a kid it really WAS a Mile Square Park. Now half of it is a fenced-off golf course.
Look at those sophisticated men playing golf. I should learn to play golf. I’ve been wasting my life playing piano, I think.
*
4:17 pm. I get off the bus, and see my homeless friend Tim, whom I usually give a dollar to. Okay, this will be a good test to see if I’ve changed or not.
To my relief, I give Tim a dollar. And on second thought I give him two. But I can’t stop staring at him and thinking. All of this time, I haven’t seen him make any progress. And I ask him, “So Tim, how’s the job search?”
“JOB SEARCH?” He opens his toothless sixty-year-old mouth and cackles with laughter. I turn away in disgust. I should have got a receipt from him. Do people itemize their donations to beggars? They should, I don’t know why not.
*
4: 27 pm. Home. A friend checks my pulse, blood pressure, vital signs. So far I seem okay physically. Time to fill out my ballot.
4:52 pm. Done voting, ballot in mail. Why must my brother watch MSNBC? Even before today it was starting to seem repetitive and shrill; today it also seems RETARDED.
Big Ed Schultz just tossed out that old “Bush lied us into Iraq” line. Yeah, that used to make sense to me. But today, I’m thinking…
Of COURSE our leaders, the ruling class, know when we need to go to war, and what the real reasons are. But once they DECIDE that, the important thing is that the whole nation is united behind the effort. So NATURALLY they need to make up other reasons for public consumption. Not to do everything possible to consolidate public opinion behind a war would be a betrayal of our troops. That seems obvious to me. DUH!
*
5:16 pm. I take the dog for a walk, partly so I can think more clearly without all this liberal propaganda blaring. It’s funny, it’s like I’m on acid. So many things that seemed nonsensical before now suddenly seem obvious, and so many things that were complicated before are now amazingly simple.
It’s obvious that it’s the rich who create jobs, and that the lower their taxes are, and the less regulations they’re required to follow, the more jobs they’ll be able to create for the rest of us.
It’s obvious that the way to reduce the deficit and debt is to lower taxes even more (spurring growth) enabling us to simultaneously double our military budget! (Although we will probably have to cut all social services down to zero, to make all of that work.)
And squinting up from under my sweat-dripping brow at the blazing sun, I realize that there is indeed nothing we can do about climate change, which is not only not a problem, but also not our fault. It is all in God’s loving hands.
*
6:55 pm. I guess I walked the dog much farther than I’d intended to, and people were getting worried about us. I have my vital signs checked again and I’m fine. Of course I’m fine. I’ve never felt more euphoric in my life. I sit down in my office to see what I’ve written on this damn Orange Juice Blog over the years, and whether it still makes any sense to me.
9:37 pm. No, it does not. What an oeuvre of misguided, fuzzy-headed socialism! I have a lot of nonsense to atone for…
Reading my old stuff, I start to feel sympathy, even admiration, for Dave Ellis, Dick Ackerman, Jim Righeimer. Sure, they break rules, sure they stretch the truth. But ALL great men have had to do that now and then, to achieve their objectives. And if some of their gains are ill-gotten, so be it – to the victor go the spoils.
The basic, all-important fact is that these are JOB CREATORS.
Well, yes, of COURSE they create jobs! Think of how much they invest – they’re all millionaires, aren’t they? Again, DUH.
*
11:05 pm. I just had a brilliant thought – I AM a very good writer. I really should think of following in the footsteps of Matt Cunningham and Jon Fleischman, and employ my talent in the service of those who can pay well for it. My financial situation would certainly improve … and then I can help the people I care about, you know.
I’m going to start out on this new path, first thing tomorrow morning!
*
2:03 am. I’ve been trying to sleep, and I just can’t. I don’t ever want to sleep again. The whole world is starting to make sense, finally. The rich are rich for a reason; the poor are poor for a reason. Women are subservient to men for a reason, always have been and always will. If one individual can make it up from poverty, if one immigrant can make it in this country, it’s because they are like that rare talented bird-dog that Congressman King just spoke of so eloquently. All is ruled, for the best, by the Divine Unseen Hand of the Market; and if anything goes wrong it’s because of the interference of liberal “do-good” government.
I think the problem Old Vern had was an over-literal understanding of the New Testament that he grew up with, which instilled in him a foolish, counterproductive altruism. That, and the evil influence of that filthy alcoholic egalitarian Thomas Paine. The New Vern will be guided by the most important tenet in the Bible, its central truth:
“God helps those that help themselves.”
Nope, I’m never going back. The world is my oyster…
WWV! Will, Will and Vern…..WINNING!
Thank you for my morning belly laugh (I aim for at least one a day). I would pass this on to a bunch of Republican people I know but I am too afraid they would take you seriously.
Brilliant!
I would say that we’re going to need an intervention here, but I think that we’re actually going to need several of them. And an exorcist!
Great writing. Hey, what’s the picture of Ayn Rand supposed to mean? She’s still in Russia in that picture. Any artist that criticizes her needs to read “Anthem” AND listen to “2112.”
Thank you.
Well, Brian, I’d say that’s the Ayn Rand fanboy’s vision of Ayn, whenever the photo was taken. But what would I know, I’m currently in severe psychological flux.
You are a lunatic!! Thanks for this Vernishness. Brilliant, as usual! (it’s only a two-week affiliation, right …. ?) er, er, what?
How are you voting on the Central Committee, Vern? Deborah Pauly?
yeah right…
No, my mischief was confined to Orly. I found a few committeepeople in the 72nd that I was assured aren’t racist or homophobic.
Welcome to the GOP Vern. I knew that you were a closet conservative. Let’s go together to the next Tea Party rally.
They’re still having those things?
Hey, did you actually read the story?
Of course I read the article Vern – I am very proud of you – coming over from the Dark Side is not an easy thing to do. Now I can share with you the secret Republican handshake – we can take a run up to OC GOP HQ and get you set up with our secret decoder ring and a ton of funny anti-BHO bumper stickers – put ’em on your piano. While we are riding around the OC we can make fun of the poor.
Vern,
you are a genious.
Thanks Paul! Remember when I wrote the definitive story about you? (Back when for some reason you were all anyone was writing about)
http://www.orangejuiceblog.com/2008/05/lucas-the-truth-is-out-there/
yes I do remember. But I cant tell if youre being remeniscent or snarky.
Reminiscent! That was a fun piece, and don’t feel bad, it confused everybody!
The whole DPOC and local blogosphere was obsessed with Paul Lucas for a few months there for some reason – exactly four years ago. People were giving me grief for not weighing in, so I did, and made things even worse. Did you see, Quimby just put up a new comment over there.
I recall when you wrote this I couldnt really make out the underlying message. Tooo crytpic even for the fine writing fan that I am.
*You now have a new breed of Republican: RINO’s, Mioderates, Slush Fund Republcians, Trust Fund Republicans, Conservatives, Hair on Fire Conservatives and Bureaucratic Warthealers. Thanks to the new system of voting in California…we can get a Demo/Blue Dog/Libertarian to file Republican and vote against whatever the Republicans stand for. Interesting concept.
Im in the same wing of the party as Vern lol 🙂
Stellar story but some misguided lad may be looking for new friends.
And Ms. Oddcat (AKA: Ms. M … agnificent!), assuming you took the stellar photographs … well done!!
Time to change.
Registered voters can change all the up to Election Day by voting provisional.
Only the unregistered voter’s and those voters not in the OC system had to register by last Monday.
Vern, you trusted your vote to the US Post Office?
You know how people scribble on the paper to get the ink to flow, that is a no-no for paper ballots.
I’d rather trust the US mail than trust voting on a provisional ballot.
Vern did you save the code number on the ballot? you can call the ROV and check if your vote was counted 6 weeks after the election.
The new provisional ballot has a receipt attached to it that the voter receives after they vote with all the information needed to check if their vote was counted.
Many voters will be using the new provisional this election as the ROV is using them to clean up name, address, and party problems.
And can the results be overturned 6 weeks after the election?
Don’t know, maybe that is the time line for cerifcation.
*Actually, they change the law this year. You can add a Smiley Face, Heart with Arrows or any other mark on your write-in ballot and they still have to count it. In the last election….any additional marks disqualified the vote entirely. Now chicken scratches don’t bother your intent. They do have to put it with the Provisional Ballots however….so it does delay the count a few days.
Vern is dead to me……(sigh)
No, no — he’s only pinin’ for the fjords!
It’s fun too sing along….just follow the Bouncing Ball…..
Hmmmm. Vern. I always thought that the best way to support what you believe in is to vote for what you believe in. So, when I vote for president, I will vote for the candidate I want to be president, not one of the ones I don’t want to be president. For me, that would be the Green Party candidate, who has all the civil liberties, anti-war, anti-drug war credentials of Ron Paul (and much more) without his completely idiotic views on the economy, xenophobia, racism, and generally egoistic philosophy of life. Oh, well! In desperate times men do desperate things.
You are misunderstanding why I voted for Ron Paul. It’s not a story of “Obama could beat him easier than Romney,” it’s more positive than that. Please re-read my second paragraph.
The people I’d really like to see win are Rocky Anderson for President and Marsha Feinland for Senator, but sometimes you gotta be realistic.
I was going to do the same thing you did vern switch to vote for RP. But I got distracted and the time passed. But I will write his name in if thgere is a space for that. Its not a vote for Ron Paul per se, but more of an acknowledgment of my disapountment in Obama on civil liberties.
If I were to have my choice of things to stump for in CA, I would move a ballot initiative to ban the patriot Act in CA, by any state local officials. In short any non fedral officials would be barred from participating in patriot Act actions and issues. If the Feds want to delve into our private lives under the assumtion of Homeland Sceurity, you arent going to use state resources to do it. Do it on your own dime Obama. Same goes for MMJ. Any state or local police agencies woul,d be banned on bane of criminal charges for assisting any federal inetrvention in our states rights such as medical Marijuana.
Paul, you are already registered to vote, right?
You can vote on a pro ballot in any party you like up to election day.
Mondays deadline was for new voters never registered.
I was going to support Rocky Anderson, but now it’s apparent that his campaign is largely a fraud with the probable goal of getting a cabinet position in the Obama administration. I will be supporting the Green Party candidate.
Please elaborate on that tip if you can. (Genuine inquiry, not a combative one)
I don’t care for national elections and the Obamney carnival much. If the Green candidate ends up being Rosanne, I may leave it blank. But if it’s Stein, I’m fine!
Stellar writing but glad you’re joking about the invasion of the GOP brain snatchers being able to sneak into yours.
these poor uneducated people, white and dark .. yes these are the dems who vote for the same people year after year and have taken calif down a steep slope . sadistic, lying weasel named Willard Mitt Romney .. no that is this clown we have in office now who stood in rev wrights church for 25 years and never heard him say such bad awfull stuff .. the lying weasels named pelosi , harry r . maxine w , tax cheat timmy , , charlie i never pay either rangell ,, these are your weisels .. along with the local mess of moonbean , tony villar ,
Well said Grating Juan.
I’m in N’Awlins and you would fit right in with the Absinthe soaked street urchins.
You could start a church here.
I WROTE DOWN WHAT VERN SAID ABOVE DEMOCRAP I THINK YOU MISSED THAT ONE
Best. Writing. Yet. Off-the-hook original and inimitable writing, Nelson. To the point it could make a fellow writer jealous. Great work!
To keep peace at the polls, voting has been extended to two (2) days.
Tuesday for Republicans, Libertarians, and NPP
Wednesday for Democrats, Greens, AI, and the rest.
And Thursday, for those too stupid to check for themselves when and where to vote for the June 5th primary.
The sad part is that people do this for real — and worse. If you were being remotely plausible it would be a federal offense.
is it not great, in politics “Truth” is not a requirement.
Well, you place yourself in a long line of people involved in vote suppression going back to the end of the Civil War. By making “peaceful revolution” impossible you make violent revolution inevitable. Congratulations.
Excellent satire here. To be sure, though, the philosophies of Ron Paul and Ayn Rand align in most areas of economics and personal liberty, but that is it. Rand was a military interventionist and, socially, a cold-hearted stoic. She probably would’ve discouraged Ron Paul’s charitable work as a physician as well as his non-interventionist, live-and-let-bankrupt approach to the Cold War. All that said, you ARE correct to link Rand to the establishment’s takeover of the Tea Party movement: cut taxes but keep feeding the MIC, etc.
That sounds pretty much right.
Even though the protagonist (based on me) becomes a Republican to vote for Dr Paul, he quickly comes to believe a vast range of common Republican fallacies, most of which are probably NOT believed by Dr. Paul.
Um, Vern, I think you may actually be a real God-fearin’ Republican, misquoting the Good Book ‘n all.
“God helps those that help themselves” ain’t in the Bible.
But thanks for the Ron Paul vote. Your best vote. Ever.
Of course it aint in the Bible cabron, thats supposed to be a PUNCH LINE.
A lot of idiots do think its in the bible tho, from Michelle Quinn to Bill O!’Reilly.
Sorry. It was too subtle for me even in all caps. But thanks for the vote anyway.
And actually, I’d say that old Greek saying is just about the OPPOSITE of Jesus’ teachings… not that there’s not some wisdom to it…
And you’re welcome!