I worry, I worry. The more I read, the more I worry. The more TV I watch, the more I worry. I worry about what’s happening in Africa, the child soldiers, the rapes, the dismemberments. I do want that monster Joseph Kony of the Lords Resistance Army to be caught and brought to justice. And it’s great that young folks in America are getting involved however they can in trying to make that happen.
But after seeing what happened to his staunchest American opponent, young Jason Russell of the Kony 2012 campaign, in San Diego last week, I am even more worried about the power of Joseph Kony. Because despite his nominal embrace of fundamentalist Christianity, it’s obvious that he practices (or at least has access to witch doctors who practice) the traditional African black magic that can cause his enemies to “snap and fap.” (“Fap” in this case being defined as running naked through traffic, dehydrated and masturbating.)
If you follow African politics like I do, you know what I mean when I say I wish I had a dime for each time I’ve seen this happen to the critics and rivals of powerful politicians and religious leaders in the equatorial regions. For now, you could just Google “Uganda snap and fap” or “Congo snap and fap.” Go ahead, I’ll wait for you. Let’s just say, when your enemy scampers wanking and unclothed into a herd of jeeps or water buffalo, the entire region knows not to question your authority.
But the point is, this grisly form of asymmetric warfare has obviously come to our shores, and we are woefully unprepared for it. Joseph Warren may be right that we need to pray, but given that both Kony and his victim claim to be Christian, I’m not sure exactly what sort of prayers would be effective.
And what worries me more than all of this is something I learned the other day from my colleague Gabriel San Roman: My own dear Congressman Ed Royce (R-Fullerton) has jumped onto the Kony 2012 bandwagon with both feet! Does Mr. Royce know what sort of danger he’s opening himself up to? Does his Secret Service detail?
The LAST thing I want to see on my local news is my favorite little blue-eyed RINO dwarf of a warmongering Congressman frolicking in his birthday suit between honking Escalades and Volts while spanking the proverbial monkey!
You probably assume Congressman Royce is a lot tougher than he is. You may think he’s a real big boy, a rough tumbler, since he talks so tough about Muslims, since he’s cheered on nearly every military adventure in the decades he’s been in Congress, and since he’s itching to send more of our boys and girls into Africa right now. But you would be overestimating a soft, delicate man who managed, like all OC Congressmen, to avoid Vietnam while all his contemporaries were getting drafted (and hasn’t yet explained how he managed that feat.)
What I truly fear, given Mr. Royce’s essential defenselessness, is the spectacle of him “fapping” wild and naked through the streets of Fullerton and Anaheim, white pot belly jiggling, once the vile magic of Kony catches up to him.
We know that the standard training of his secret service detail in no way prepares them for these sorts of magical attacks. Brave as these agents are, they know nothing about keeping the Congressman within a perimeter of onions and garlic, about the sorts of incense that can ward off a “snap and fap” attack, or even the warning signs that could justify emergency restraint of the Congressman – the sudden glint in the eye, the quick feverish unbuttoning of one’s clothes, the obvious and total obliviousness to one’s surroundings.
For, once Ed Royce is sprinting pantless down Commonwealth while madly flogging the dolphin, you can stick a fork in his career – and leave the race between worthy Democrat Jay Chen and fiery Occupier D’Marie Mulattieri!
Oh well. I suppose worse has happened.
Hey Vern, interesting twist in this article. With so many problems pressing at home, you would think Ed Royce would hardly have time to worry about Kony 2012. Of course what is going on over in Africa is horrible, however, you know what they say about putting your own oxygen mask on first. We are running out of air over here, so let’s put our House in order and give priority to our hungry and homeless children here in the US; here in Orange County where 1 our 5 people are at food risk. By the way Vern, Mulattieri, has (2 t(s) and 1 r…just to the voters are sure to choose the right candidate on June 5th!
Given the byline, I don’t know that this was Vern’s writing, D’Marie. I will note that you managed to show up here only about 40 minutes after it was posted without having received a high sign (that I know of, at least), so Kony may not be the only one with possible mysterious powers for Royce to have to worry about! (Nor is he the only opponent; the Democrat running is Jay Chen of Hacienda Heights.)
I’m no fan of Kony or of the gay-genicidal Ugandan government, but isn’t “Invisible Children” now believed to have major right-wing fundamentalist/evangelical funding? Maybe it’s the group that has hopped on the Royce bandwagon rather than the reverse.
Damn – you’re right, Greg – there IS Jay Chen. That’s what I get for assigning my brilliant inspirations to a writer who CALLS HERSELF “Miss Info.”
I will exercise editorial prerogative, add Jay to the story, fix D’Marie’s spelling, and make the descriptions of Naked Man Royce a little more graphic.
Oh, and I bet, Greg, that D’Marie’s secret weapon is a Google alert on her name!
A Google Alert would probably be pointless. It would turn up too many hits on all of the other D’Marie Mulattieris too,
The thing that stood out to me and seems to be missed by most of the media about the whole KONY 2012 campaign is how Pee Wee Version 2.0 was convincing young people nationwide to hit the streets with the KONY posters and the other pro-interventionist propaganda on 4/20.
I plan on hitting something on 4/20 if you know what I mean. And the only thing that I will have in my possession with the letter “K” will have nothing to do with KONY.
Hey Vern Nelson / Miss Info Asperger,
Do you have any factual proof that Royce intentionally avoided the draft for Vietnam? How do you even know that he got the draft call?
We’ve been trying to find out how he stayed out of Vietnam for years now. He doesn’t answer. Do YOU have the answer? We’d love to print it.
Gary Miller refused to answer the confusion over his “military record” for over a decade. Finally journalist Ken Silverstein found the answer: he went to the Army for a couple weeks and was sent back for medical reasons. Well.. see? That wasn’t so bad, at least he gave it a shot. And nobody ever asked what the medical reasons were – ashtma, or sheer debilitating bedwetting terror. If the Army sent him back then at least he gave it the old college try.
And it’s just remarkable, the overwhelming pattern – that Republicans who never served are the biggest war hawks. They don’t seem to feel the real cost and consequences of war.
Oh. THIS old humorous piece!!! Did you like it, Ed Lover?
Idle speculation: has anyone ever counted Gary Miller’s toes?