By coincidence, I was in Yorba Linda – site of the spawning of Tricky Dick – when the New York Times ran an article proclaiming that Orange County was no longer the place Richard Milhouse Nixon once knew. However, his hometown would have rang with a certain conservative familiarity yesterday. At a local park, I eavesdropped on a conversation chalk full of right-wing talking points: “People on welfare should have no more than two children or else cut the welfare off,” “Glenn Beck’s rally was great, Sharpton should have merged his march with the restoring honor event,” “Where was Jesse Jackson? Oh there was no money in it for him!” “How can people say it’s disconnected with Martin Luther King Jr., his niece was there after all” And that’s just the local residents! Their elected leaders? Yorba Linda – much like Orange – is a ruled by clowns city siding with SB 1070 before anywhere else in the county!
Being so close to the grave of our former president, I decided to pay the marker a visit and ask the man himself! (Nixon and I got it like that. We communicate beyond the grave all the time!)
NIXON: When I first read that headline, Gabriel, I had a massive jowl movement! Orange County no longer my political territory? Henry, you hear that? More lies from the New York Times! Now let’s get down to the meat and potatoes of this thing here. The GOP has a near sweep of all of the Congressional seats. The only exception? That Sanchez woman. She started out as a Republican and is still more fiscally conservative than socially liberal. So how’s that for your lone representation?
Anaheim, now there’s a city I see has changed…a bit. Sure there’s more working class Latinos and other immigrants, but they’ve got no political teeth! The illegals don’t even have a goddamn day laborer center over there. The Mayor? Curt Pringle…a man whose political history is “pockmarked” by trying to guard the polls from those same illegals! These NYT hacks have their heads up their asses San Roman! Sure there’s a Latino neighborhood in the shadow of Disneyland, but Latinos who work in the resort hotels can’t even get a settlement in their labor dispute much less afford to live in the city. Such staunch anti-unionism would still give Walt Disney a hard-on if he were alive today…like the one that appears when you stand at a certain angle at the park and the statue of him holding Mickey Mouse’s hand makes the rat’s nose look like, well never mind all that!
On to Santa Ana. Sure there’s a bunch of Mexicans over there.I’ll tell you what isn’t there anymore…black people and certainly no chapter of the Panther Party! All that came to an end when I was in office! What is there now is an all-Latino city council. We didn’t have that back in my days. Now, that’s alright, you see, because there is still one Republican holdout. The Mayor, he’s done some things I don’t like recently, but again, that’s alright you see. It’s election time and anyway, just wait until that Renaissance II thing starts getting in motion and you’ll see who’s really in charge, kid. Developers still call the shots and private property is where real power lays, not in the council.
Let’s keep this thing going. The Vietnamese? Now wait a Ho Chi Minute! How do you think they came to be here as immigrants anyway? My goddamn war! The younger ones might be less conservative, but just hold on until they get older or try to hang an Uncle Ho portrait in a video store! Continuing on, we can offshoot anything going on with downtown Orange County by looking at Laguna Beach. If the TV shows – and down here in Hell we spend our eternal damnation passing the time watching reality television – tell us anything, it is that that community is no longer the haven for all the goddamn smelly hippies that it once used to be. No more of those acid-dropping Brotherhood of Eternal Love smuggler types anymore! Nixon likes what he sees there!
And here’s one last thing I’ve got to say before I get going, Gabriel. My presidency started the first international chapter of neo-liberalism when we helped overthrow that sonofabitch Allende in Chile. But, if you look at my record on the environment, and me saying “We are all Keynesians now”, these presidents today make me look damn near progressive by comparison! Sure that Obama guy won a bigger percentage, and there’s more minorities that helped make it happen in OC, but what threat is it if these Blacks, Latinos, and union members integrate into a Democratic Party based political paradigm that has shifted way to the right since my time in office? Now, that’s the secret, Gabriel. The GOP is still strong enough to make OC Nixonland. Make no mistakes about that! Moving to the left? The OC Democrats haven’t done so and are hardly capable of doing anything deserving of the description politically. “Hey, hey, LBJ, your New Deal/Great Society Democrats have gone astray!” THAT’s a slogan, kid!
Now stop watching those goddamn Allende speeches on Youtube and come visit me more often!